I want to share with you a new perspective on fidelity that has me completely jazzed! The timing is perfect (of course!). I find myself coaching more and more women who are in committed relationships, and I keep exploring "love, like I want it to be". What a gift! The quote below by Adyashanti, is becoming a beacon that guides my approach to integrating the Law of Attraction into relationships.
it's having a certain fidelity to what you realize yourself to be. Having a fidelity to that internal silence, and just being willing to be what you are.
At any moment, am I actually an expression of - am I actually being - what I know to be true? It's another one of those things that sounds very simple, until you might be by yourself, or especially where the spiritual rubber hits the road, which is in relationship - am I actually being what I know myself to be? Am I expressing what's really true?" Adyashanti
Can you imagine a relationship which is created and nourished as each person is faithful to their own spirit? WOW, that is definitely my kind of love! How do you know if you are " actually being what I know myself how do you navigate the shoulds and fears that we can bring to our. As complicated as it all seems, the Law of Attraction can really help us simplify our relationships.
Here are a few basic Law of Attraction principles. Our soul is always sending us very clear messages about fulfilling your true desires. You are following your soul's path when you feel good. Your body feels strong/er. You have increased energy, excitement and ideas. Feeling good actually expands and attracts more good feelings!
When your thoughts lead you away from your real desires, you experience a range of negative emotions-frustration, despair, inertia, anger, doubts etc. Your body feels tight or weaker, and your energy wanes.
A pretty keen guidance system, yes?
So, tell me, what kind of love would loyalty to your fabulously delicious self create?
With much love,
Judy
Judy is a Law of Attraction Coach for lesbian, bi and queer women seeking love like you know it can be and our newest addition to the Lesbitopia writing staff.
She has been supporting people to have the life they desire for over 25 years.
We are excited to bring her passion for fun, possibilities, romance, and law of attraction to our staff of writers.
It has recently come to my attention that many hot and sexy lesbian ladies remain single and without prospects.I'm not sure exactly how this happens, since I am a serial-dater, but I have so many friends and acquaintances that seem so amazing, yet are still in search of love.
Some even have a check list...
Shaggy-Shane hair do? Check!
Nice Car? Check!
Good Job? Check!
Great personality? Check!
Still no late night bootie calls.
No afternoon delights or breakfast lovin'.
In order to form a more perfect union, I have compiled a list of things that might help in the quest for love. Don't be afraid to try one or all of them.
How to Find Her
I don't know about you guys, but I'm not interested in finding my baby mama in a bar.Try something unconventional like a strap-on workshop at the local sex shop.
A LGBT wine group or book club might be a few more avenues to meet local ladies.
Any one who is afraid to find love online is living in the dark ages.
Try www.okaycupid.com its free and I've known a few people who have had some great success with this site.
Now What?
Once you've found a girl that you think might be a potential date, ASK HER OUT.
The first date typically is your one chance to impress her so something OUT of the ordinary.
The following are first date No-Nos.
Catching a Movie
This is terrible and instead of sitting quietly in the dark you should be getting to know each other.
Family/Friends
As nice as it would be to have the support around, involving your people in a first date scenario is not sexy. Plus, imagine the pressure for your date to not only impress you, but you're people all on the first meeting.
She's allergic to peanuts and you took her to the Skippy Factory
Don't be afraid to ask her what kind of food she likes/dislikes and if she's been meaning to do something special like the latest art gallery showing or heading out to a new bar/restaurant.
Try http://www.yelp.com/ for good first date suggestions in your local area.
My strongest suggestion for a first dates is something interactive.
Think Color Me Mine or miniature golf. Museums and concerts are always great choices too.
For the ladies on a budget, pack a picnic and some board games and head to a quiet park or beach setting.
When To Call Her Again
Who ever decided to wait 3 days before calling someone was an idiot.
This technique is a game and if you're going to start playing games after the first date then you have other reasons as to why you're not getting laid. If you like a girl, you should tell her.
9 times out of 10 she will be flattered and it will increase your chances for the 2nd date.
Don't Over Do It
While it's important to be attentive and thoughtful, don't pick up your date in a U-Haul.Avoid the X conversation (don't mention your lousy relationships unless she asks) and keep your dreams of your wedding being featured on LOGO to yourself.
A hint of mystery is always sexy, but don't be completely aloof either. Remember, balance is key, my. If all goes well on the first date; Shampoo, Rinse and Repeat.
Creativity and thoughtfulness goes along way ladies. Don't forget that.
If you find a great girl, tell her about it and treat her like it every chance you get.
Oh yeah and if you end up finding a great catch, you can thank me by making her call you Annie the next time you shag.
Who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like they're girls
Who do girls like they're boys
Always should be someone you really love
-Blur
As ladies who love other ladies, we often find ourselves in the Butch/Femme dynamic in our relationships.
"Who wears the pants?" is a phrase I know we've all heard when questioned about our relationships- pass the barf bag. But what about our butch brothers and sisters who enjoy the same kind of masculinity within their relationships?
Personally speaking, I have never found myself to be attracted to other butch folk. I suppose I'm just a sucker for a skirt and a pair heels. However, I once danced with a rather sexy dyke and I had a really intense moment. We danced and grinned against each other. It wasn't an alpha dog experience but more of a boi on boi porno scene. She was forceful with me and it was surprisingly sexy, something I wasn't expecting. It got me thinking about the plus sides to what it would mean to date a lady like me.
Could I go butch on butch???
I've been thinking about this a lot lately.
Really, if you think about it, it makes sense.
It's the epitome of a queer relationship.
Two girls who look like boys who fuck each other. Hot, right?
It is quite the gender bender as well, and thats always fun.
If you have never considered the more masculine side of our fence, allow me to list a few horrendously stereotypical, but still possible upsides you might benefit from...
- If you can find butch lady that's a similar size as you, then VIOLA! New wardrobe!!
- Kiss them anytime, anywhere and no one ever has to worry about smearing the lipstick.
- You can call them to change your tire, not AAA.
- No long hair clogging the drains of your shower.
- Share the same social views on what the world is like for someone doesn't appear straight.
- Nothing will ever be broken between 2 Tool Slingers in the house.
I think thats definitely a list to consider. Enough to switch sides?
Maybe if I'm ever single again I'll give it a whirl...
Maybe. Read More......
The BOOK: All Your Queer Questions Answered
Dear Book,
I am 33 ...married to a 42 year old man that I have been with for 11 years...We have a 4 year old son.
8 months ago I became quick friends with an English women also 33 years old and her 2 kids. They moved in with my family as they needed a place to stay. After about 2 months of them living with us I started to find her attractive and fascinating. I kept questioning where these feelings where coming from as I have never even so much as kissed a women before. I couldn't keep it to myself anymore so I wrote her a letter. I told her that I could wait in her company for years waiting for her to be ready and if she was never ready I would go to my grave completely satisfied in the knowledge that I loved her deeply as my friend. We didn't get to talk about the letter until the next day. She said, "So really? Seriously?" And I said, "Yes really." She said, "Well why don't we try you putting your hand here on my stomach that's a safe place." So I put my arm over her and started lightly stroking her side. I could feel her react with little trembles. She caressed my hair and kissed me. Then out of nowhere she said I can't do this I can't sacrifice our friendship.I asked her not to leave but she said if she didn't that something physical would happen. She didn't come back for 4 day's. When she did come back, she said,"I can't handle this right now." I just don't know what to do with these raw feelings I'm having. It is hard for me to be around her because I want her. If we had just talked about it and she would have said I really only like men or no I'm not attracted to you or even I would want you to leave your husband first, then I could have been alright. I would have patched myself up and kept on with life. She will not talk to me about this all. What should I do? I'm going out of my mind and having to hide it from my husband and her! It is getting in the way of my work, my sex life with my husband etc. I don't feel guilty about it at all. I think life is to short for things like that. And this isn't a normal situation I have never felt so completely enraptured with a person male or female before it actually feels like I'm cheating by having sex with my husband! HELP!
Sincerely
Missing my Friend
Dear Missing my Friend,
You've fallen for your best friend completely. It is a rarely discussed common occurrence that woman fall in love with their best friends. Sometimes it becomes physical. Often times, we downplay the intense emotional and physical feelings we have for our female friends as they are simply not prioritized or validated within the dominate heterosexual society we all inhabit. A lot women are just not comfortable expressing themselves sexually with other women. They identify as 'heterosexual' despite having intense emotional intimate relationships with women. Although a little booze will go a long way in mysteriously altering their sexual preference for the evening. This is where we get the term, 'Six Pack Lesbian'...a few beers in and homegirl's singin, 'What's your man got to do with me?"
The thing is your friend loves you too but she's not going to let it be expressed in a sexual and overtly romantic way. It sounds like she has done the responsible thing by not taking your physical interactions to a place that would be horribly intense and confusing for the both of you. I am hoping that I am right to infer that she is afraid of taking you away from your family, your son specifically. She also might be afraid that sleeping with you will compromise your friendship. It seems like she needs you more as friend who gives her support.
Whatever her reasons are for not wanting to start this relationship with you are irrelevant. You aren't going to to get a clear cut explanation from her. But like you said, if you knew it wasn't going to work out, you would pick yourself up and move on. Well, she's given you every indication that it's not right for her, so you need to let her, let it go.
As is always the case with the ending of intimate relationships, you have to separate her from your life in order to move past her. Now that she is aware of how you feel about her, she might begin to take advantage of the fact and become quite demanding and dependent. Don't accept her dependance on you for as an excuse for a loving and balanced partnership.The lesson here is that just because you fall in love with someone, it doesn't mean they make a good partner for you.
Right now, you need her out of your space so you can figure out your family life. You need to look at how your feel about your husband. I'm not even going to suggest you to go find another woman to be with. Just because you fell in love with one doesn't mean you can only be with women. What you need to do now is think about making your life a safe place for your son! He needs a home and a mother and parents that can respect each other.
The book is closed. Read More......
Don't worry, Its not loaded....or is it???
For all you gender-bending-butch out there, listen up! It's time to talk about the wonderful world of PACKING!
Last year for my birthday my gal bought me a packy and a strap. Packy's are offered in different sizes and colors normally flesh tones. They are completely flaccid and include balls to make them seem and feel as realistic as possible. Packing is the term used when someone is wearing one. It's possible that I've been living under a
rock because I had never heard of or seen a packy before my girlfriend one upon me.
"You bought me a flaccid dildo!" I said almost disappointed wondering why she would by me a useless lump on floppy plastic and a strap. I was trying to stay upbeat since it was a gift after all. Obviously I imagined that you would wear the thing, but for what reason? This would not be helpful in the bedroom. What I didn't realize then was...that was exactly the point.
Once I stepped into the elastic strap, pulled it up and put my new cock in the pouch that holds it, I pulled my boxer briefs over it and looked down at my now realistic and quite large. I zipped up my jeans and headed out to the movies with my beautiful girl. I didn't tell her I was wearing it, I was hoping she would find out, and once the lights dimmed in the theater, she felt that i was definitely packin' some heat. From the theater seats, to the booth at dinner and the car ride home my packy got plenty of attention. Once I got home I put him away and swapped him out for his big brother "Randy". Maybe you don't need all the gory details...
The point is Lads, the packy is a fun toy for those who want to play outside of the bedroom as well as inside. Packing is fun for everyone and will turn a lot of girls on in ways you couldn't imagine. Also, packing can be a personal thing just for you, wear it to work- no one has to know. It's a way to express yourself within your own underwear and it doesn't have to be shared unless of course you'd like to share. Sharing is caring! And if you don't want to share...make sure not to tell her about it. Watch her eyes get wide and her mouth drop open when she finds out on her own.
Google search Babeland, The Pleasure Chest or Grand Opening for packy options online.
The more common sex shop like Condom Revolution often have these too, but not as good of a selection. I recommend going to a dyke friendly shop and talking to them about whats right for you.
***TIP***
As flattering as it may seem to get the largest cock possible, having a huge packy flopping around like that in your pants is more of a pain in the ass than you'd think. The medium size packy is perfect for me and I'm 6'2.
Felice Newman, Author of The Whole Lesbian Sex Book, NeedsYour Help
Lesbian, Bisexual & Queer Women Couples have you been together for 5+ years and do you enjoy a satisfying sex life?
For those of our readers who are in long-term relationships, here is an opportunity to share your experience and help in the creation of a new book from Felice Newman, the woman who wrote The Lesbian Bible and by that I mean The Whole Lesbian Sex Book....
Felice Newman has asked us here at Lesbiatopia to ask you, our readers, just what makes your sexual relationship work and she needs your help in researching a new sex guide for lesbian couples.
The Whole Lesbian Sex Book has informed, supported, and entertained many thousands of women in the nearly 10 years since it was published. Now Felice Newman turning her attention to couples. As a somatic coach and sex educator, she has help many couples who are quite unsatisfied with their sex lives and feels her new book will be an empowering resource for our community.
Felice is conducting confidential interviews (via telephone) with couples who enjoy a satisfying sexual relationship and she is interested in exploring the ways we “grow” our sexual partnerships.
She wants to know what makes your sexual relationship work. How do you sustain erotic interest over the years? How do you face the sexual challenges that inevitably arise in a long-term relationship? How has your coupled sexuality evolved? How does your partnership support your sexual growth and pleasure? In short, what are the payoffs of an ongoing sexual relationship?
Ms Newman would like to hear from couples who have been together 5+ years, and who feel their sexual relationship “works” - however you would define that. (Even if you wouldn’t say you have the perfect sex life, if you are generally fulfilled in your sexual relationship, she still want to hear from you.)
There will be a reciprocal aspect to these interviews. In these telephone conversation, you’ll have an opportunity to ask her questions, too.
All interviews will be strictly confidential, and interviewees will be quoted anonymously in her book.
Whether you identify as lesbian, bisexual, or queer; butch, femme or androgynous; polyamorous, monogamous; adventurous, sensual, kinky; boi, MTF, intersex, traditionally gendered or trans; sexually experienced or new to sexual exploration,Felice would like to hear from you.
To find more information on how you can help, including how to participate go to Help Felice Newman!
Hi everyone. As an anonymous reader of Lesbiatopia, I've noticed that many posts seem to address the issue of lesbian dating. It's something that no one understands, but everyone wishes they could define it. It's something we're all going to do, but it sure would be easier if everyone knew exactly what it is we're doing. I'm not here to answer the questions or solve the problem. I have been very unsuccessful at lesbian dating myself. But I'm on a mission to figure it out, and I thought you all might want to join me on this journey.
I'm going to be a lesbian secret agent. I'm going to enter the big scary world of lesbian dating to figure out what works and what doesn't. Ultimately, I want to find out if there's anyone out there for me. It's hard for me to find women that I'm attracted to. My friends say that I'm too picky. My mom thinks it's because deep down, I'm actually straight. But I think it's because I know what I really like. I know what turns me on, I know what kind of spark and chemistry that I want to find. I know what qualities my ideal partner will have, and I know how it will feel when I find someone who fits.
With help from some of my good friends, we have come up with the Lesbian Mission Impossible. I will go on 100 dates with 100 different women. I won't be too picky, because then I'd never get it done. But I'll go out on a date with any woman who asks me. And I will ask many of them out myself. Along the way, I'll try to figure out what it is that constitutes a lesbian date in the minds of the women I meet, and hopefully, I can come to some sort of conclusion in the end.
Although secretly, what I would really love is to find her. The woman of my dreams. I'm a hopeless romantic, and I believe in happily ever after. I believe that I can find one person who fits me and we can make it work for the rest of our lives. I have only been attracted a handful of people in my entire life, so I don't think there are very many out there with much potential. But if I try 100, surely there will be one or two, right?
Wish me luck - hopefully my mission won't be completely impossible. Feel free to offer your suggestions, and check back often for updates as I chronicle my adventures!
-L.
Imagine a world where homosexuality was assumed and heterosexuality was taboo?
Imagine a world where gay marriage was the norm, adoption was simple, same-sex public affection was totally acceptable and “coming out” didn’t exist?
For me, it’s actually hard to imagine a society that could possibly exist under these conditions, given all the homophobia and inequality we’ve experience already in our lifetime.
However if this were the case, and sexual preference roles were reversed, would the GLBT community be more tolerant towards the straight community or would the same injustices, prejudices and inequalities ensue towards a heterosexual lifestyle as being outcast, unacceptable and possibly even “a choice”?
You probably haven’t given much thought to this issue, since the chance that this would happen is pretty much non-existent, and why would you? Why would you imagine a world where the roles of sexual preference are switched? Well, the short film “Straight” does exactly that. “Straight” explores issues of homophobia, tolerance, and discrimination by portraying a world where the roles of homosexuality and heterosexuality are reversed.
Here is a video clip from the short film “Straight” which was brought to you by Current.com. We here at Lesbiatopia are HUGE fans of Current, which is a site dedicated to what's going on in your world: all the things you and your friends are actually interested in -- that you won't find on any other news site or cable TV channel. Current.com is the place to find and share stories and videos that are interesting to you. It connects to Current TV, a global cable and satellite TV network.
After watching this video, I got to thinking about sexual preference and also, gender as an underlying role in sexual preference. I started to wonder, what if someday gender and gender roles became obsolete - that our anatomical makeup did not define us as a person, who we dated or our socioeconomic status, even. Imagine that stereotypes of men and women were abolished and male and female pronouns became non-existent. If gender became obsolete, there would be no need to place ourselves in a pandora’s box of sexual orientation; gay, straight, bi, etc themselves would all become obsolete and with the termination of these terms, there would be no inequality based on sexuality, there would be no homophobia, and most importantly there would be universal tolerance. Or would there be? I’ll let you decide…
Last year, at the age of 38, I came out of the closet and ended a 17-year marriage. It’s been a difficult road but full of unexpected surprises, stronger friendships, and a much less judgmental attitude towards other people.
When I told my best friend of nearly 25 years, Kelly, it didn’t take her by surprise. She sort of had it in her mind that it was a possibility. After all, if she could ever drag me to the mall with her to buy a dress for herself, I would sit by all the other husbands on those little chairs outside of the dressing room and sulk. When we would go on 3 day trips, she would have 3 suitcases full of color-coordinated outfits down to the jewelry and hair clips. I had a duffel bag with my 3 outfits. When we would go out and she would tell me to “dress sexy”, I wore jeans and a t-shirt.
She reassured me that my being gay was no problem for her whatsoever. "This doesn't change one bit about the way I feel about you. I love you!" It was sweet relief to know that I would not be losing her. Another thing I do remember well about my coming out conversation with her is a question that she asked me: “Was Jon Bon Jovi a lie?”
Jon Bon Jovi (JBJ) was the foundation of our entire friendship and the glue that kept us together through the years. JBJ was a common denominator in almost every aspect of our lives. Bon Jovi was our band.
When I met Kelly at age 15, it was at a party at her house in our neighborhood. We started talking about Bon Jovi and realized we had nearly the same passion for the band. From that night, we were together nearly every day for the next 3 years. I drove her to school and we listened to Bon Jovi. We spent all of our time talking about JBJ’s extreme hotness.
When they came to Atlanta, Kelly & I would skip school and go downtown and wait by the backstage door all day to get a photo and autograph. We even had him write a note to our teachers to excuse us from school. (It didn’t work).
As we got older, our parents would let us drive a few hours to go see them play in Alabama and Tennessee. We had more money to buy more tapes, shirts and tour programs. We would spend our afternoons watching the video “She Don’t Know Me” in slow motion, frame by painful frame. We’d discuss the nuances of his sexy face, lament that he needed to shave his chest hair and wonder when we might have an opportunity to spend some time getting to know him.
At our weddings, we had Bon Jovi playing. During the birth of Kelly’s first daughter, we had Bon Jovi playing. We brought our kids up on Bon Jovi music. Even when the time constraints of family kept us apart, we still came together to go to a show or watch him when he was in a movie or appeared on TV.
Kelly’s question, “Was Bon Jovi a lie?” made my heart break a little. Here she was, wondering if I really just thought he was a guy, not a sexy stud-muffin. “No Kelly! I would so throw down for Jon. I’m not that gay.” I told her. She breathed a sigh of relief. “Good. If you weren’t attracted to him, I was going to feel like everything we had experienced together was a lie.”
Tonight, Kelly & I go again. Bon Jovi is playing here in Atlanta. We are going together to see another show and lust over Jon Bon Jovi. When he does his sexy little dance with maracas during “Keep the Faith”, we will grab each other’s arms and squeeze. And I will totally think dirty thoughts about him.
After all of the things that I have been through this last year with my coming out, going through a divorce, a public excommunication from my church and my mom not speaking to me anymore, I can say one thing is for sure: When they sing “I’ll Be There For You”, and Kelly & I sing it to each other like we always do, I will mean it more than ever. I’ll also know that she will, too.
Lesbians you should know: Judy Kinney… Inspiring Lesbian, Bi and Queer Woman to Healthier Love
Recently it was my pleasure to make the acquaintance of a very special lady, Judy Kinney.
Judy Kinney is a respected and recognized Life Coach, cultural competency trainer, social service program administrator, group facilitator, public speaker, and community leader, she is also a relationship coach for lesbian, bi and queer women seeking a healthier way to love and the founder of a revolutionary Arizona based relationship coaching service called Dream & Flourish.
An innovator who excels at presenting information in a manner that is fun, compelling and relevant to her diverse audiences, Judy’s mission has been to inspire and support accomplished lesbian, bi and queer women to create the love, romance and relationships they desire through a combination of coaching, events, writing and public speaking. For the past 25 years Judy Kinney, MSW has been doing just that.
With a focus on the principals of “the Law of Attraction”, Judy guides her clients to greater understandings and personalized strategies that help them stay true to themselves while also being deeply intimate.
Wikipedia defines the “Law of Attraction” this way….The phrase Law of Attraction, although used widely by esoteric writers, does not have an agreed-upon definition. However, the general consensus among New Thought thinkers is that the Law of Attraction takes the principal "Like Attracts Like" and applies it to conscious desire. That is, a person's thoughts (conscious and unconscious), emotions, and beliefs cause a change in the physical world that attracts positive or negative experiences that correspond to the aforementioned thoughts, with or without the person taking action to attain such experiences. This process has been described as "harmonious vibrations of the law of attraction" or "you get what you think about; your thoughts determine your experience"
The inspiration for the Law of Attraction is not new; it is a concept that can be found in Hinduism that states the soul attracts what it furtively cherishes, what it loves, and also that which it fears.
Over the weekend I had a chance to speak with Judy about her philosophy on relationships, her thoughts on the “Law of Attraction” and about Dream and Flourish.
Paula: So Judy, tell us a little about you and Dream and Flourish. Why did you start Dream and Flourish?
Judy: I’ve always believed people should be free of life’s limiting messages. This has been a central purpose of mine as a social worker for 25+ years. I really do believe that we create our world, so I started intentionally aligning my life over the last couple of years to enjoy it all. In the middle of all of this, I became away of my strong conviction that “middle aged” and older LBQ women really know that love, relationships and romance can be different than most of us have experienced. And, at the same time aren’t really sure they should believe they can have it all. I think I’m the perfect person to inspire and support them. Why?
I joke that my friends used to tease me about falling in love too easily, so I decided to become a professional. I love love. I’m fun, enthusiastic and like creating opportunities that are welcoming and inspiring for women to flourish. I was ready to have the perfect job, that I create every day. Truthfully, I believe I followed my heart, step by step and here I am-it’s perfect!
Paula: So Judy just what is a Law of Attraction Coach, how long have you been one and what is your background in this field?
Judy: Let me break it down a bit. A Life Coach, like any coach, provides structure, motivation and conviction for you to be great at what you do. As I talk about more below, the Law of Attraction is all about intentionally creating the life you want through your beliefs. So, I inspire and support LBQ women through coaching, classes, public speaking and events, to adjust their beliefs to align w/ what they really really desire. Mostly, I give permission for LBQ women to enjoy their lives, have fun, trust and be true to themselves, and follow their destiny. I’ve been a Law of Attraction Coach for about a year, and a Love Coach for just over 6 months. Yet, because this really is my destiny, I feel as if I’ve been doing this forever.
For the past 25 years I have inspired and supported youth, LGBT community and it’s elders, social service providers, and now, accomplished lesbian, bi and queer women to have the life they desire. I’ve been a cultural competency trainer, social service program administrator, group facilitator, public speaker, and community leader.
Although I was introduced to the Law of Attraction (LoA) almost 30 year ago, I became a committed student and practitioner of LoA in 2005. I’ve always had a strong sense of fun, belief that all things are possible and a willingness to stick my neck out to create things that truly work.
Paula: How long have you been consulting with lesbian, bi and queer women on their relationships?
Judy: Well, as a friend, I’ve doing this forever, right? Professionally, I’ve been a Love Coach for just over 6 months.
Paula: Can you explain the Law of Attraction?
Judy: This is a quick review of how the Law of Attraction works. Everything within the universe is comprised of energy. This energy interacts dynamically with itself, and like a magnet, attracts that which is similar. Even our thoughts and feelings radiate a magnetic energy. For example, imagine that you’re in a stage in your life when you really wish you had a partner. You could find yourself focusing on not having a partner and feeling lonely and not so lovable. You may tell your friends “I don’t think there’s anyone out there for me”. Even though you want love and companionship, the universe will respond to your “not having a partner, lonely and not so lovable” energy and confirm this belief about yourself. It’s also true that when you feel good, sexy, and happy, you’ll attract more good, sexy, and happy experiences. Our perspective on love and romance needs to be a match for what we are wanting. We’ll have what we desire when our stories line up with what we are wanting. This magnetic energy attraction process applies to any situation in your life.
At first, it can appear tricky-how do you attract what you want when you don’t have it? What’s great is that energy is energy- the universe doesn’t discriminate between energy that is a memory, in the present or imagined. It’s all the same energy. So, if you really want love like you’ve imagined then begin living as if you’re already living your dream. You could start telling yourself and your friends “I’m ready to date and have romance in my life” and then do things that support this “story”.
We don’t have to change our story or perspective over night. That can be stressful and send a message that you’re not ok. Just as we’ve learned our way to our present place, we can unlearn, release or turn our focus away from the thoughts and beliefs that don’t lead us to our desires naturally and over time.
Paula: Judy you once wrote an article titled “Your Leading Edge”, where you said you are one of “those people” that walks directly to the edge of a cliff and looks over. As something of an adventurer and someone who has in the past pushed the envelope my self a time or two, I found your article to be a very interesting view on life, can you explain the philosophy behind that article?
Judy: The article expresses my belief that our soul, the spiritual part of our self, is always evolving. We are always evolving, our edge keeps expanding. When we listen to our soul (most often through our heart or gut) and use our minds as a tool to support our desires, we can really tap into a powerful and magical force within ourselves.
I love the feeling of being aligned with my soul. I feel fully alive, capable and free. Just as we are taught to NOT go to the edge and look over cliff, we are most often taught NOT to follow our soul. Instead, we are taught to play it safe. By itself, playing it safe takes away from our soul. However we can be safe AND follow our soul.
Paula: You have talked about how we get that “ooooh ahhhh feeling” when we meet someone new, but can you also explain how we can have that same feeling with someone when have been with for a while…. Just how do you suggest we keep that “ooooh ahhhh feeling” in our long-term relationships?
Judy: We get the oooooh ahhhhhs when we first meet someone because we are tapped into how wonderful and amazing they are. OF COURSE!!! We just let ourselves enjoy and revel in the connection. This is a great example of one of the tenets of the law of attraction at work-what ever we focus on, expands. We’re focused on how amazing this person is, how good we feel and we get more of that!
Conversely, we haven’t been taught that the whole reason for relationships is to enjoy them. We don’t have great role models showing us how to do this well. Often we end up compromising ourselves or trying to ‘fix’ something within our connection with our love. When we turn our attention to trying to fix something, we’re telling the universe that the relationship, ourselves or this person is broken and that energy expands.
I love The Relationship Book by George Pransky
1. always speaking positively to your partner. Sure you’ll have negative thoughts come up, but let those pass without stating them, soon, they will pass also.
2. have conversations or explore any adjustments to how you are relating only when both people are feeling good and relaxed.
Paula: You have also talked about “Managing Your Baggage” and I know that at times I have had a freight train full that I have hauled around with me, so just how do you suggest we manage our baggage?
Judy: Well, I’m not into “managing” anything, really. I think there is amazing power and magic in claiming what you want in life and focusing on the present and the future. Instead of belaboring your past or baggage, ask yourself questions like:
“What am I enjoying”
“What makes me happy”
“What and how do I want to be living and feeling in life”
If you want, do some fun ritual with your baggage, like go on a cruise and dump it over the side of the boat. Bury it on a deserted island.
Occasionally our baggage will resurface. It can be freeing to acknowledge it “oh, there’s my baggage again”, “Those old beliefs, what are they saying, wanting me to do”. So, observe your baggage with out judgment or attachment or believing the messages about your self. Then when you can, laugh at them, they are silly.
Paula: I noticed that you organize Speed Dating sessions and conduct a class called Dating 101; can you tell us about your experiences with the speed dating sessions and what you cover in this class?
Judy: I didn’t know what I was tapping into when I started the Speed Dating events- I just thought they would be a fun way to introduce the ideas behind Law of Attraction and dating. Through the events, though, I came to understand how daunting dating can be sometimes.
So, I’ve had amazing experiences with women walking towards their courage and desire and experiencing new ways of dating and connecting with other women. Often women find new friends, have some fun dates and a few sweet romances have flourished. Two women met through my first Speed Dating event and are enjoying a great romance with each other. They didn’t meet via the mini “dates”, but during an open mingling break. They were out of each other’s dating range, so I didn’t match them up for dates. I see women meeting and connecting with women that they normally would not connect with.
Fun and great things come from this. I had one woman tell me, “I didn’t meet anyone in the Speed Dating Event, but I got motivated to do things differently and went and called 3 women that I’ve wanted to ask out but haven’t”. Many women get a glimpse of what is possible and sign up for coaching and/or classes.
· As for the classes, women can expect to walk away with
· A sense of freedom and confidence to claim exactly what makes you want in life-no more settling! No more urgency!
· Simple and easy practices you can do to align your thoughts and feelings to attract love like you’ve imagined
· A greater understanding and personalized strategy to stay true to yourself while also being deeply intimate
· Permission to have fun, not work hard, and enjoy all that you bring to your relationships
· Great connections to other women just like you!
Topics include an intro to Law of Attraction, exploration of what women are wanting in love/romance, how limiting messages society can deal us as women, LBQ women, as we age and related to our race/ethnicities impact how we approach love/romance and how to live outside these messages, how to be true to yourself.
Paula: When will you next be conducting this class and how can our readers sign up for it?
Judy: My next “This is How We Do It: Law of Attraction Dating 101” class starts Monday, May 5th, 5:30-7:00 PST, 6:30-8:00 MST, 7:30-9:00 CST, 8:30-10:00 EST.
Paula: So what other advice do you have to offer Lesbiatopia’s reader about their relationships?
Judy: We get to have fun and enjoy life-even while we are being responsible-they actually go hand in hand. We get to trust our gut, our hearts, our soul as the truest, most accurate guide of how we should be living our lives. Most importantly, we get to feel good, be relaxed and enjoy life (it’s all good, not a thing needs to be fixed)
If your interested in finding out more about, Judy, The Law of Attraction or Dream and Flourish you can contact Judy Kinney by E Mailing her at judy@dreamandflourish.com or by stopping by her site at dreamandflourish.com
The Lesbian Bride Chronicles: Finding a Lesbian Wedding Dress
The thing that's important to know is that I hate dresses. I know some lesbians who love dresses, and some who hate them even more than I do. But I generally consider myself to be closer to the butch end of the spectrum. So when it came to picking out our wedding outfits, I wasn't sure which direction to go. Some lesbians look good in pantsuits. I never have. So I didn’t consider wearing a suit for my wedding, even though I do tend to hate dresses. I haven’t worn a dress since being a bridesmaid in my MOH's (that's maid of honor, for those of you not familiar with wedding acronyms) wedding almost two years ago. But I view occasions like graduations and weddings as opportunities for a costume. Dresses are so far from my normal wardrobe (sloppy jeans and t-shirts or, if I’m dressing up, a Polo) that it does feel like costuming. Since a wedding is such a production, an honest, earnest one, but a production nonetheless (something heightened by the fact that Luck was a theater major and I grew up in my parents’ community theater and we have set ourselves the task of memorizing our vows), it only makes sense to dress the part.
I remember when my wedding dress arrived in the mail. I discovered the simple slip dress online at David's Bridal. Even though I kind of hate that store, my budget just doesn't allow for fancy bridal shops, and I can’t justify spending obscene cash on a dress that I’ll wear once. But that’s not to say I didn’t care about what I’d be wearing. For some people, the dress is one of the most important parts, and I think that's fine. For me, I just wanted something pretty; I wanted something simple, not too feminine, not puffy, no skirts full of tulle or crinoline. It was only available online, so I couldn’t try it on, but there was a special feature. You could press a button: “see this dress in motion” and the model would come to life, swaying from side to side and then twirling, the ivory fabric flowing like soft water around her legs. This was The Dress.
I’d heard other women talk about this feeling—they compare it to the moment when they knew their partner was The One. Often it comes when trying on dresses in the store, stepping onto the pedestal surrounded by mirrors, opening your eyes and looking around. Magazines call it the, “Oh, Mom” moment. Tears fall, your mother and maid of honor flock to your side and coo. “Oh, this is it! This is The One!” The dress you’ll be married in, the dress you will wear on the most important day of your life, the dress you’ll be wearing when the other One sees you for the first time as his wife. When I watched the dress move, I couldn’t help but imagine it swirling around my toes, or how good I would look in the gown, and how Luck’s eyes would fill with tears as she saw me walking toward her.
But that aisle walk is something else we wanted to reconsider. I don't want my father to walk me down the aisle like I'm chattel he's giving away. And deciding who walks down the aisle first made us certain that we didn't want to set up some bride/groom paradigm--even though people are constantly asking us who is "the guy" and who's "the girl." I don't try to explain lesbian gender dynamics, because it's not that simple. Both of us are more butch than femme, though I'm more likely to wear a girly shirt, and Luckdragon is the ice hockey goalie and I'm the poet. But one thing we knew was that we wanted to approach this marriage together.
So these two soft butch girls will be walking down the aisle together, in dresses.
The Lesbian Bride Chronicles: How Many Dykes Does It Take to Plan A Wedding?
You know the story. Girl meets girl. Girls kiss outside each others' tents. Girls spend the next day talking under an oak tree. Girls fall in love, move into a tent together and start planning their Canadian wedding.
( I know, you're thinking "Wait a sec, What's this with tents?")
Well, last year I met my beloved, "Luckdragon" at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. It was the safest way to U-Haul. She slept in my tent almost every night, and we got a taste of what it would be like to be together all the time, in the heat and sweat and 'skeeters of a Michigan summer. We held hands as Elvira Kurt regaled us with her humor, we kissed and fondled while Melissa Ferrick belted out "Drive." We cooed as we got our picture taken with Bitch. I worked one night in Sprouts, the toddler "daycare" and Luckdragon said she knew when she saw me changing a diaper that she wanted to have my babies.
Okay, maybe it wasn't quite that dramatic, but we did fall in love at Fest. Unfortunately, Luckdragon lives in Detroit and I am a grad student in Tallahassee. Throughout the week, fellow lesbians cooed over how cute we were, and asked, "So, what happens after Fest?" We'd grimace and answer in unison: "We haven't talked about that yet."
We didn't know what would happen after Fest, but we did realize that if we were going to make a long-distance relationship work, we had to want the same things. The relationship had to be going somewhere.
Yes, it's true. I bought my wedding dress two months after meeting her.
I like to think, though, that we didn't rush into things. Sure we talked about marriage during the first week, but it's been 8 months now, and though the wedding plans are well under way (June 20, 2009!), we still live six states apart. Luck is moving down here in August, and that will be a year together. It will be almost two before we tie the knot. So we stick it out in Florida while I finish my thesis, and then comes the fun part. Applying to PhD programs and moving in May before the June wedding. There aren't too many programs for Creative Writing, and we're pretty particular about where we live.
Did you know that only eight states in the US officially allow second-parent adoption?
You see, we want to have kids in the next four years (Luck is training to be an LD nurse (Labor & Delivery, not Lesbian Drama--I know what you're thinking!) and she'll be 30 by the wedding, and would like to give birth before she's 35.
So amid picking out chair covers and ring pillows, we're also shopping for sperm and investigating the intricacies of adoption codes and current legislation.
Follow along as we navigate my brother's wedding (to which Luck is invited as my "special friend"), the fact that my mother watches The L Word to "see what you lesbians are up to," unfriendly wedding vendors, the Florida marriage amendment on the ballot this November and how hard is it to publish a dyke-themed poem, anyway?
Now before I really delve into the topic of The L Word and monogamy, I would like to state for the record that I LOVE the L Word! I'm a HUGE fan and think it's a really entertaining show to watch. I'm actually quite saddened that next year will be the 6th and final season, and as much as I like to make fun of Ilene Chaiken and the other writers for their cheesy plot lines and writing, you know that my ass is parked in front of that TV every Sunday night at 7pm PST. With that said, I would like to explore the lack of monogamy themes on our favorite lesbian drama, The L Word.
Ever since the first season of The L Word, cheating has been incorporated into the plot about as often as two women kissing, and if you've seen the show, you'll know that's a lot. I sat down and thought about all the cheating that had occurred over the past 5 seasons and was quite shocked at the list I came up with:
Season One:
- Alice cheats on Lisa, the lesbian identified man with Andrew, who initially was set up with Dana by their mothers. Jenny cheats on Tim with Marina.
- Bette cheats on Tina with Carpenter-Candace.
Season Two:
- Dana cheats on Tonya with Alice (don’t we all remember the scene in which they go at it on the living room floor and end up in the kitchen with whip cream and strawberries…?).
- Tina cheats on Helena with Bette after the sonogram
- Kit is sleeping with married man, Dr. Benjamin Bradshaw, the motivation speaker.
Season Three:
- Shane cheats on Carmen with Cherie (and let’s not forget that Shane was with her in season one while she was still married).
- Tina cheats on Bette with Josh
- Jenny cheats on Max with the French woman at Shane and Carmen's wedding
Season Four:
- Phyllis cheats on her husband with Alice
- Angus cheats on Kit with Hazel (the skanky nanny)
Season Five:
- Shane cheats on Paige with the Realtor
- Lover Cindy cheats on Dawn Denbo with Shane
- Nikki cheats on Jenny with some actor dude
So there you have it, the proof is in the non-monogamous pudding. As I started to think more and more about these prevalent themes of cheating in the lesbian community as portrayed on The L Word, I wondered what the basis for it all was. After all, The L Word is hugely influential on the lesbian/bisexual/transgendered community. Do you think all the cheating is based on real-life lesbian experiences and that the lesbian community is really as promiscuous and anti-monogamous as the L Word portrays it to be? OR, do you think that The L Word has taken the cheating story lines too far and is depicting a negative image of what the lesbian community is like? After all, the writers of Queer As Folk got a bad rap for incorporating so much promiscuity in QAF, yet, it resonated as ironically accurate in real life. As much as we love the L Word, we can't help but deny the fact that it is watched by millions of impressionable young gay women. Is this the message we really want to give them?
Personally, I am an advocate for monogamy. I think it is important to build a healthy, stable and monogamous relationship with someone you love. I don't condone cheating and I also don't think it is acceptable. The L Word seems to paint a picture that cheating is not only prominent, but it's tolerable, showing that couples who cheat on each other get away with it, and then get back together despite of it. I understand that hot, steamy affairs add an element of intrigue, drama and excitement in a fantasy sense to the storyline, but what's to be said about a show that can't even boast ONE solid, happy, long-term, MONOGAMOUS relationship?
Although The L Word is coming to an end after next season, I would have liked to see more
stable, healthy relationships thrown into the mix. It would've been nice to see one couple 'make it' and defy the stereotype that lesbians can't hold down stable long-term relationships. The one thing I really don't understand is why there is so much dysfunction in the relationships on the show, when the show is written/directed/produced by lesbians. I would probably expect this type of behavior exhibited from straight authors, prejudiced against gays, but to have such dark and negative themes from lesbians themselves can only make me think that either a) Ilene Chaiken is really jaded and has had her heart broken too many times or b) She's actually straight.
Call me the eternal optimist, if you will, but maybe I've just read too many love stories, written too many romantic poems and dreamed too many dreams of being swept away by Princess Charming to want to be able to watch a show where lesbians get to have their "Happily Ever After" too. Here's hoping the final season of The L Word gives us something wonderful to look forward to, for once.