Contrary to popular belief, I have not been hauled off to a deserted island by a pack of lesbians and forced to preside over their sunbathing and lovemaking rituals.
I can totally understand why people might think that.
I'm very experienced in sunbathing and may have dabbled in the arena of lovemaking. Allegedly.
Truth is, I've been remiss in my Lesbiatopia postings for no other reason than I haven't figured out how add hours to my day.
Apparently, the only way one can add more hours to the day is to agree to less sleep.
Those who know me personally know this is not a good solution. Even in theory it's enough to make my girlfriend April turn pasty white and start shaking. My patience level is directly correlated to the number of hours I spend in REM.
Frankly, April is a saint to put up with me at all. Especially given she's the subject of most of my posts.
This one is no different.
We've been so exhausted lately that there's been no hanky panky. If we manage to pull the bedspread down, we're doing good.
Several nights passed without us even giving each other a good night peck. That's a rarity.
Fearing lesbian bed death, April decided we should, at the very least, kiss each other good night. A good plan, given when she leaned in to kiss me, we looked like two pre-teen girls sharing our first encounter. Our noses mashed and I think she ended up kissing more of my chin than my lips.
"Dude! Is it possible we've forgotten how to kiss each other?!" I feigned horror.
"Nope," she said, in her matter-of-fact way. "You just kissed me wrong. My lips have to be on top of yours."
"Excuse me?"
"My lips have to be on top of yours to make it work right."
"So, you are telling me that your lips are a top?"
"I guess I am."
Who knew....
For those of you who love stand-up comedy, The Big Gay Sketch Show, a gorgeous funny lady or all of the above, than this is right up your alley.
Nicol Paone, of LOGO's Big Gay Sketch Show, is performing LIVE at the Comedy Central stage for FREE!! It doesn't get much better than that.
When: Tuesday July 15th @ 8PM
Where: Comedy Central Stage
6539 Santa Monica Blvd
(Between Highland and Vine @ Hudson)
LA, CA 90038
The show is FREE!!
For reservations call 323. 960. 5519
To make to make your reservation soon! Seating is limited and on a first come, first serve basis!!
Still don't know who Nicol Paone is?? Shame on you!! For a good time, watch...
Take 4 minutes out of your day to watch this hilarious video/musical, which takes place in LA (which does not surprise me). And can somebody PLEASE give these people a napkin??
As much as it turns me on to be referred to as Sir, its just not the same when its coming from a little old lady washing her hands in the woman's restroom at Target. It happens almost every time I enter a public restroom so I've become accustom to just smiling and saying "Maybe YOU'RE in the wrong restroom lady!!!"
This is what life is like for me and many other gender-queer, butch, stone, trans, whatever you want to call it, kinds of folk. It's not all bad really, considering the hot ladies we get to sleep with.
Sure, being butch in this world has its ups and downs, but really- we've come a long way.
Gone are the days of only 1 gay hangout within a 500 mile radius; there are probably about 20 different gay bars/restaurants and shops within a 5 miles radius of my house in Long Beach. I'll take dirty looks in the men's underwear section over arrest any day of the week. A big thank you to the Leslie Feinberg’s of the world who have made living in this world a little easier for those on the other side of Lady Blvd.
Ten Best Things about being Butch (in my opinion)
10. A love of sports is encouraged
09. The comfort and murf free environment with boxer briefs
08. Never having to wear a dress again
07. Comfy shoes like converse or the ever cliché army boots
06. No fuss hair options like shaving it all off
05. Tools are our friend
04. Say goodbye to make up
03. The Dykes on Bikes at every good pride parade
02. I can’t remember the last time I shaved before a date
01. So many femmes...so little time!
Lesbian Politics: The Nacho Bean Dip of News (WARNING: SEVERELY BAD METAPHORS AHEAD)
Got guests arriving in 10 minutes and afraid you'll never be able to come up with anything current or interesting to talk about? Never fear! I whipped this up just for you. Even if you look at nothing else political this week, learn these headlines! Below is a veritable layered party dip of stories I am dying for you to know.
LGBT folk anticipate particular hardship during poor economy.
Next, the guacamole. Smooth, creamy goodness.
Young voters vote Democratic and pro-gay.
On top of that, the sour cream. Sour cream and this story are favorite things of people with munchies.
Barney Frank (and I) totally, totally want you to decriminalize marijuana at the federal level, dude, like, seriously.
(Psssssst, hey Cali ladies! If Barney Frank's bill right there were to pass, anyone with a medicard could grow up to but no more than 6 plants legally (!) and never have to pay for the dankydank again. Urge your Congresspeople to sign before my . . . um . . . er . . . glaucoma! gets any worse. 6 plants would just about fix my s*** right up; wouldn't you agree, Doctor?)
We finish, of course, with the cheese!
You may or may not be able to tell the difference between John McCain and George Bush; what I want to know is, can you tell the difference between John McCain and an old carrot?
Serve with a salty, pointy tortilla chip of pain that will likely cause a 5-inch gash in your esophagus. (Dave Barry fans out there?)
Speculators knock OPEC off of oil-price perch.
OK, and one final LGBT soupçon in case you get hungry later.
Both sides raising big bucks over marriage amendment.
When you're full, put in fridge to chill, and then you take a nap.
The Big Gay Sketch Show: The Complete Second Season Available now on DVD
Because Nicol Paone and I are practically BFF's (just wait until you see my video interview with her, COMING SOON) I am lucky enough to be on her email list so I get all the hot BGSS and Nicol Paone news that a person can ever want or need. From Nicol herself, this just in:
"The Big GAY Sketch Show" Season 2 is now available
online and in stores! Check it out!! And to those of
you who have bought the show on itunes, thanks for the
support and for making Season 2 even better than the
first!
Here's what you get
The Complete Unedited Second Season
The Big Straight Sketch Show: Half Hour Special
Celesbian Interviews: Nicol Paone
Celesbian Interviews: Kate McKinnon
The Big Gay Bonus Sketches that include:
Maya Angelou Kinky On Craigslist
Lesbian Troop Leaders Gone Bad
Fag Hag Friendship!
Loving to Hate to Love the L Word
Bondage On Three's Company
Desperate Logo Fairytales
Tech Problems At a Funeral
The Big Gay Dynasty Sketch - Extended Version
Oprah and Gayle's Platonic Trip - Extended Version
Celebs for Straight Parenting - Extended Version
The Big Gay Interviews with the entire cast
Behind the Big Gay Scenes
The Big Gay Blooper Reel
Behind the Big Gay Scenes
CLICK TO GO TO THE LOGO SHOP
Are you a Nicol Paone fan? If you aren't, you should be! She's hot. And did I mention funny? Check her out on this video titled "The Sexiest In-Flight Ad Ever", and although it's un-related to the Big Gay Sketch Show, it's sexy, naughty and hilarious. Enjoy!
Read More......
Lesbian politics: Ladies, you don't want to be this woman
Well, you don't want to be this woman, except for maybe the tig ol' bitties. A bit of levity today.
Someone I now love and whom I don't even know on OurChart directed me to this delightful set . . . of videos!
When I hear the term "Hillary supporter" on TV and say to myself, "Who in the world is still defending Hillary?" this is exactly the person I picture in my head. My new favorite person on OurChart--perhaps my new favorite person on the planet right now--posted these videos in a blog comment with the title "[Ma'amselle Lezident's] Nightmare," and she got it so right, and she doesn't even know me. I will send these videos to everyone I know. Thank you, new OurChart friend!
You know what? This woman has made me realize I've been wrong all along. I am so supporting this woman for President over anybody else. (NOTE FOR THE SARCASM-IMPAIRED: I'm kidding.)
Cell phones have long become almost indispensable to most people and texting is the rage. Originally targeted to business people as an add-on feature, texting or SMS as it is more properly called, quickly became mainstream with teens when they adopted it as an alternate form of passing notes, with a whole language developing from the popular text messaging abbreviations that were created by teen SMS users as time saver for composing these messages.
Some of the more used text abbreviations are:
F2T... Free to talk
QPSA... Que pasa?
DuR... Do you remember?
PRW... Parents are watching
Wan2... Want to?
WUWH... Wish you were here
T+... Think positive
YBS... You'll be sorry
B4N... Bye for now
OXOXO... Hugs and kisses
GR8... Great!
HCIT... How cool is that?
2NITE... Tonight
RUOK... Are you okay?
XLNT... Excellent
Now SMS also helps to bridge the communication divide by enabling people who are like myself, deaf and hard of hearing to communicate through text messages. Text messaging has provided the deaf community with a way to overcome the geographic and linguistic barriers we often encounter in the hearing world. SMS liberates the deaf community from being tied to a TTY (a specialized text telephone) and provides a new sense of independence for the deaf community. We can carry a lightweight, easy-to-use, and portable device with us anywhere in the world and communicate with anyone who also has a text-messaging device. Additionally, since cell phones are so ubiquitous in today’s society, text messaging does not call attention to my disability.
I carry my phone with me everywhere I go and it has become essential to me. In addition to sending text-messages I have on occasion simply used it to type out messages on the screen instead of writing a note for someone that might be having a hard time understanding me in a store or restaurant. Yes I would be lost with out my phone.
Also because I am deaf and can’t hear the phone ring, I keep me phone in vibrate mode and carry it in the pocket of my jeans so I can feel when I have an in coming call….
Well at least that is what I tell people…..
OMG DSN PTBH IMC
(Oh my god, don’t stop now, push that button harder, I’m cominggggggg…..)
Lesbian Homo-Scopes By Miss Clit-O for April 2008
It’s that time of the month ladies!Miss Clit-O Lesbiatopia’s very own pseudo astrologer is back to give you the guidance you need to make this the best lesbian month ever!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
It’s your time of the year baby girl! There is a new growth seeking to emerge this month Aries and I’m not talking abut that cyst on your gluteus, rather the inflammation of positive energy emerging from your heart. Embrace all that is… because before you know it… it will be gone.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re determined to find practical productivity in this world; but the world is anything but practical. I suggest disposing to action as opposed to speculation or abstraction. In laymen’s terms; if the mud slinging going on between the Democratic candidates is giving you heart burn…do something about it. Please…please do something about it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Love is in the air this time around Gemini. But in order for it to happen you’re going to have to take time out from those deep conversations with yourself and strike up a conversation with an actual person. That shy girl who works in the homeopathic section of health and beauty aids at Whole Foods might be the perfect candidate.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
There is a lot of pain in this world and you can help. Your capacity to heal others is at its height this month. Make a point to talk to that lonely dyke at the bar; she’s hurting really bad and you might just have the right words to get her off the bar stool. And while you’re helping her you might just be helping yourself (that bar gets pretty crowded and you’d like a seat wouldn’t ya’)
Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Stop looking in the mirror and complaining about your insecurities! Its so boring and a total turn off… and you’re better than that. You can either do something about them or accept them. Bottom line, Own your shit!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Wow! How you doing Virgo? A lot has changed in the last couple of weeks and your wondering how in the hell your going to deal. Even the cosmos doesn’t know how everything is going to turn out. It all has to do with how you cope with adversity.
Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 22)
Stop giving mixed signals! You’re like watching an episode of Tila Tequila. Libra’s are supposed to be all about balance, harmony, and love and you’re never going to achieve the of beauty of self-completion if you keep on playing games.
Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21)
Hey busy beaver. You’ve been all over the place lately and would give your left mammary gland for a clone. I would love to say that things are going to calm down but it’s not in the stars right now. All this hard work will pay off! You just need something to keep the momentum going. Try drinking a dozen egg yolks and going for a run. I guarantee that when you look behind you you’ll discover you have a sea of people that believe in you; and that’s just what you need. It’s the eye of the tiger baby!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Hey Goonie, how’s the quest to find One-Eyed Willies secret stash. The reward at the end is sweet but remember it’s not about the treasure itself; it’s about the journey that leads to self discovery… and of course saving the Goon Docks.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Its one thing to be self disciplined but it’s another to strap on a metal cilice and flog yourself when you fall off the wagon. I know you want to look good for all the pool parties this summer but its okay to eat a carb once in a while. Live a little and have a piece of cake if you want; just don’t eat the whole cake…know what I mean.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb 18)
Sometimes it’s hard being you, but you have to stop comparing yourself to those who lack individuality and a sense of self. Where others will follow the standard recipe you find yourself throwing it out the window and creating something that nobody ever dreamed. Not everyone is going to want to eat Robutussen flavored brownies but then again you might meet a lady that suffers from chronic flew like symptoms that loves chocolate. The brownies and YOU might just be the thing she’s been looking for.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Last month was just magical. You were flying high on Falkore making your way through Fantasia. How lucky were you to remove yourself from the mundane and transcend to that mystical place you thought only existed in your dreams. But this month reality shows its ugly face and you find yourself at a standstill. The childlike empress is ill and you have to find the human child and defeat the Nothing in order to save her! Don’t give up! All she needs is a name.
Rebecca Drysdale on No more L word
An exclusive Lesbiatopia article by The Time Traveling Lesbian Rebecca Drysdale
This week Beck shares her thoughts on the L-Word.
No more L word…well F word!
No more L word!! What are we going to do!?
After five seasons of laughs drama and disappointment, our favorite show to love to hate is saying goodbye. That’s right bitches. After a season that lasted half as long as we waited for it, the L word is packing up it’s u-haul, taking the cat and moving out. It is the end of an L era. No longer will we be able to turn on the TV and see ourselves so accurately portrayed on our television sets… or rather our friend who has cable’s television set.
Where will the world turn to learn about the true nature of the lesbian community? Where will they go to see our fancy clubs filled with gorgeous successful women over thirty who go out and dance every night of the week (while also holding high paying day jobs) in enormous night clubs where celebrities perform on Tuesdays and the lights are kept on? How will straight people know that lesbians get new cell phones each week and only use Macintosh computers? How will they know about the fact that we eat breakfast lunch, dinner, and have our dates and our nights out at the same sandwich place in the same day? How will they know that lesbians can take work off whenever they want to for a bike ride, or a trip to the mountains, or a silent retreat, or a cruise? Where will they see our magical ability to learn sign language in eight days? But more importantly, what the hell are lesbians supposed to do now?
What are we supposed to agree on besides our common need to bang Shane and kill Jenny? What will we argue about now besides whether or not Bette and Tina should get back together? How are we going to keep up with Betty and their latest musical efforts? What are we going to do?
All kidding aside. As bad as the L word was most of the time, it brought us together in a way that a march or a parade or a big ol’ all you can eat hummus buffet never could. It gave us as a community something to look forward to every week. It gave us a reason to gather. It gave us a common place to direct our rage, hope and lady boners. We all miss Carmen, we all want to rip Max’s soul patch off, we all can’t decide if we’d rather be or fuck Shane. We all wonder what happened to Angus and Papi and why no one is concerned about their sudden disappearance? The L word filled all of us with common questions, feelings and desires. It brought us off of the wall of the dance floor, and got us to mingle.
So now what?
Well perhaps the L word has opened a door. Perhaps we have taken the first step towards a bright shiny future where not only can there be a show about lesbians, but that those lesbians might actually be realistic people who don’t completely change their personalities every three weeks. Maybe there will be a show where the gay bar is filled with judgmental short girls who try too hard and can’t dance, or make out really sloppily with strangers, or sit outside crying in between bouts of vomiting…you know the way it really is. Maybe one day we can turn on the TV and see a nine hour circular conversation about needing space, or a night out with everyone sitting together at the bar texting other people. Maybe we are getting closer.
And so we say thank you L word, for entertaining us, fueling our fantasies, distracting us from our own dramas and problems, and teaching us about online social networking sites and podcasts. Thank you for the occasional great sex scene and the always hot “Bette cries outdoors” moments. We will miss you and take your lessons with us into our own lives.
Now if you will excuse me…I have to go, me and my seven closest friends are going out to lunch, starting a band, learning how to snowboard and cooking a traditional Hawaiian dinner. Then we are all going to a lecture about representations of women in French Film, and then to our favorite club where Peaches, Sleater Kinney, Goddess and She, KD Lang, Melissa Ethridge and Ellen are doing a show to raise money for ovarian cancer. Jodie Foster is hosting, it should be pretty fun. And then it’s to bed, gotta be up in the morning to run my company and work on my fall line before I hit the gym and meet everyone for breakfast.
But seriously folks. We will miss you L word. I watched every episode, and now I don’t know what I am going to do with myself.
Now all I can look forward to on Sundays is going to church to hang out with my other favorite L word…the Lord.
Amen
Lesbiatopia’s managing editor informed me of the fact that this blog gets a lot of hits from Norway. As I am appointed as European Special Correspondent, she sent me on a quest to find the source of this unusual Scandinavian influx of traffic.
As it happens my day job requires allows me to be quite up-to-date on any information regarding other countries, including Norway. And I also happen to be a lesbian… so when combining these 2 factual elements with some well-aimed computer Google searches I should be able to pull this off. Or at least that’s what I thought.
The start of my virtual quest was a happy and hopeful one. I mean, who wouldn’t want to find a secret enclave of Norwegian (= fair-haired, blue-eyed & well-nourished) sisters? Even the fact that I actually live in Belgium and had no hopes of meeting any of these Norwegian beauties in the flesh, couldn’t stop me from getting all excited. (What’s a bit of flesh in this virtual day and age, anyway?)
I started having very vivid (Viking) visions of half-naked Xena-like women who worship the Midnight Sun by touching each other inappropriately while singing “we come from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the wild butch queens grow”. And whose post-worshiping rituals consist of surfing to Lesbiatopia, of course. I guess you could say I got a little bit carried away. (Luckily all this happened late February and early March which made it a bit too early in the year to involve Solstices and other Dante’s Cove-inspired madness in my visions. Although, I do honestly think I can’t stretch my imagination that far.)
Anyway, there I was… spending my days Googling like mad, adding Norwegian lesbians to my Facebook friends list so I could question them in an atmosphere of virtual sisterhood, sifting through tons of Viking pictures and feverishly looking for a lead on this secret enclave of blond goddesses when I received a Facebook message from a very high-ranked Norwegian Government official (whose name I can never mention, obviously). Here’s the message:
STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING OR ELSE…
My first thought was: don’t these Norwegians know that writing in capitals equals shouting? And then it dawned on me that in all these years I have been adoring women (as a hobby and a lifestyle) no bleu-eyed blonde woman has ever made it to the top regions of my hotlist anyway so I might as well take the subtle piece of advice, ask our managing editor to forgive me for not following through on the leads and write down in all honesty what happened to me on my quest.
The only option I have left now is to ask you, Norwegian Lesbiatopia visitors, if it’s true that there is a hidden elitist lesbian Viking enclave in Norway that desperately wants to remain secret. But you probably won’t be able to give us an honest answer anyway...
Ken never did it for me either and I see this little Babydyke knows how it goes too.
Ken had better look out because he has met his match and HER name is Bobbie.
Back when I was a girl playing with my Barbie’s, much to my sister’s consternation, I would always pair up Barbie with one of her Barbie friends and have them make out, but it was never much fun because they were just too Femme for my tastes. So much to my little brothers regular consternation, I found I would rather play with his GI Joe action figures then with Barbie, so much as a matter of fact that one Christmas I got him the entire reparation of girl GI Joe action figures; Scarlett and the Baroness.
I guess my gaydar has always gone off in respects to these two and I quite frankly loved that they looked so butch; I thought they were attractive and hot. In retrospect and probably as harbinger of things to come for me, Scarlett and the Baroness turned out to be my just kind of girls, strong, determined, resourceful, with muscles and plenty of useful accessories. Also in retrospect and as a downside to an aspiring babydyke, who like myself who happens to like butch women, I think the reason these two have never just come out with their sexual orientation is because manufacturer Hasbro and the GI Joe Cobra squad has a tacitly understood Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy and as a whole Scarlett and the Baroness are not very good role models for all of us Out and Proud little dykes.
Now Hasbro had better take a good look at that DADT policy of theirs because a sister in New York City has shown we dykey doll lovers do have options and they are all BUTCH.
Made by a company named DYKEdolls and called the Bobbie Doll, they are Butch dolls right down to their tattoos, black leather jackets, boots, jeans,chain wallets and wife beater shirts. They come in three versions, Diesel dyke, Rockabilly dyke and Texas dyke and they come ready to play with strap-ons, vibrators and dildos.
DYKEdolls, founded by Stephanie Perdomo of New York City in 2002, is as far as I know, the worlds only out butch lesbian doll manufacturer. Stephanie says that it all started at the ripe old age of six, when she would receive gifts a doll that cried or peed when you pressed its stomach, think they were pretty lame and wanted to return it for a camping set. Many years later, Perdomo went to the toy store, looking for a gift for her nephew. She noticed the sport-figurines and found an immediate connection.I always played sports, so when I saw the sports figures, I thought it was pretty cool, something I wanted to get”.
She realized that the doll market had changed significantly, and that there were a lot more dolls out there, a lot more variety to suit different people…and there were just a lot more dolls that appealed to the adult.
Stephanie also saysThe idea of DYKEdolls came up because I started seeing all types of areas represented through dolls. I mean, the ideas that a lot dolls actually reflect what is going on in current culture is interesting to me. There was still an area that I didn’t see much of.
Thus, DYKEdolls was born.
According to Stephanie, her DYKEdolls are a reflection of people she knows or has known in the past and the name was just came naturally to her.
Now while I wouldn’t expect to see this Lezzie toy at Toys R Us anytime soon, as the DYKEdoll figures, which will sell for $49.95 apiece, are aimed at a bit older demographic then what is normally found at Jeffery the Giraffes house, Stephanie told me that most of her sales come from the internet, but that some retail stores also carry them and that times she even gotten emails from moms saying they plan to buy one for their gay daughters….
Stephanie also produces a line of dyke action figures called “BABYDYKES” and sells other related items on her website at DYKEdolls.com… so head on over and check out a little Out and Butch DYKEdoll action.
All I have to say is "Stephanie, where were you when I was 10 and only had closeted dyke dolls too play with?"
Life has its ups and downs and without the right guidance you can find yourself in an unfurnished apartment sitting on an old pizza box scraping your arms with a box cutter. Luckily life doesn’t have to be so drab!
Miss Clit-O a world un-famous pseudo astrologer is here to help! She has combed the lesbian cosmos to bring you the encouraging words you need just to get by.
Pisces- Feb 19th- March 20th You’ve been searching the cosmos for the answers your soul desperately needs. Instead of following in the footsteps of the Dali Lama why not pick up a James Brown CD or Jam out to some Aretha Franklin. Those mother fuckers really know soul. On the good foot bitches!
Aries March 21st - April 20th You’ve been so stressed out lately that your temper has been getting the better of you…Its time for you to take a chill pill. So throw on your favorite flannel, get out your coupon book and spend a little quality time with the one that you dominate. Life is way too short to write nasty letters to the Cheese Cake Factory home office because your fries were a little too salty.
Taurus April 21st - May 21st Taurus you’re known to be a little inflexible at times. This month you should start a yoga class. Maybe by June you’ll be a little more limber and you and your partner can master that backwards cowboy you’ve been working on. Giddy up!
Gemini May 22nd- June 21st Hey girls! I know you’ve been feeling a little restless lately and you’ve been dying to do something different. Instead of going off to Bali for a retreat to add a little pizzazz to the mundane just treat yourself to a little something that you and your woman can enjoy. I heard ball-gags are all the new rage! If you happen to have a video camera and some leather chaps you might just have all the new excitement that you need.
Cancer June 22nd- July 22nd With all those late nights watching forensic files you’ve been feeling less than secure these days. Why not utilize that Home Depot gift card your parents got you for Christmas and install a home security system. You’ll feel a bit safer while you cozy up with your favorite butch for that two hour court TV special on serial killers.
Leo July 23rd- August 23rd Hey my little lionesses! I know you’ve been dreaming about the day you get accosted by Gary Busey on the red carpet, but its just not your time. To satisfy those pipe dreams you should get with a gaggle of your girl friends and have a karaoke night out. You’ll be the Belle of the dyke bar as you bust out “Come to my Window” to starving Melissa Ethridge fans.
Virgo August 24th- September 22nd Hey Virgo, you’ve been a little tight with the man wallet lately. It’s not the end of the world to splurge on something frivolous. Miss Clit-o knows you’ve been drooling over that poster of Jackie Warner in the Curves locker room. It’ll be worth it for you to make the purchase. Just make sure you get a nice glass or plastic cover for it (paper tends to dissolve when you lick it).
Libra September 23rd- October 23rd Last month was a hard one and you’re feeling all out of sorts. Just remember everything happens for a reason and eventually things will balance out. Instead staying home and watching Fried Green Tomatoes over and over again hit the local watering hole and strike up a conversation with the nearest Drag Queen. They always have the best anecdotes that help make light of heavy situations.
Scorpio October 24th- November 22nd You’ve been so busy lately that even your vibrator is feeling the repercussions. You need to take your head out of the job and get it into something…else. It’ll do you good to put on that sexy black dress (or your favorite turtle neck.. whatever floats your boat)and go out and get crazy. It’s a shame to let your sexual prowess go to waste… and the scene is a little boring without a mysterious Scorpio on the prowl. Sagittarius
November 23rd- December 21st I know that your really excited because your new Encyclopedia Britannica came with a virtual DVD of the Solar system, but you’re really boring your girlfriend. It’s time for you to get your nose out of the books and begin exploring her universe. I bet she knows a place where you can find a three dimensional model of Orion’s Belt.
Capricorn December 22nd- January 20th You are a superstar! Not in that Mary Kathryn Gallagher sort of way; your kind of like the Angelina of you local dyke community. All that hard work has really paid off and you’re finally getting the recognition that you deserve. Its great to be able to take time to bask in the sunlight of your success but don’t be blinded by it. Put on a pair of shades so you can see what’s going on around you. Aquarius
January 21st-February 18th Hey! Why have you been so cranky lately? Did someone steal your Jon Benet Ramsey murder case trading cards? Don’t fret so much. Whatever you lost let it be lost and if you’re meant to have it, you will. Anyway, you’ll find something else that tickles your eccentricities in due time.
My girlfriend April can't say something just one time.
Or two times.
She has to repeat most everything she says THREE TIMES.
Her best friend Gabby calls it "triple-itis."
I used to call it endearing (when we first started dating).
Now I pretty much just call it maddening.
This conversation took place not long ago on our drive home from Roanoke, VA:
"Heather, it's getting dark. There's probably going to be a lot of deer, so be careful."
"Gotcha."
Literally, 2 minutes later.
"Remember, there's going to be deer."
"Remember, today is not my first day driving this road at night. I'm good."
No joke, 2 minutes later.
"Heather, see that sign about the deer right there."
"April, see this annoyed, crazy face?"
It's constant.
And if she's not saying her piece three times in a row, she's telling me something she's already told me before (at LEAST three times).
Last year, I was looking for new tennis shoes (everyone should have good, comfy shoes to wear while walking to restaurants and ice cream parlors).
When I told April what I was looking for, she said:
"You know, there's this store where they sell high end running shoes. They even watch you run so they can match you up with the right shoe."
Over the course of two weeks, I heard this EXACT phrase no less than 15 times. It was as if she'd forgotten the other 14 times it crossed her lips.
It got so ridiculous that I needed to point out how ridiculous it was.
I'd randomly interupt any conversation we were having and say:
"Hey, did you know that there is a store here that sells high end running shoes? Seriously. It's true. They'll even watch you run and match you up with the right shoe!!!"
I don't know....maybe her triple-itis has something to do with the fact her favorite number is 3.
Perhaps I should just be thankful it's not 33.
I do know one thing, though.
I love her.
I love her.
I love her.
PS.
Just as I finished writing this post, April woke up to go to the bathroom. When she came back to bed, she said:
"Can you wake me up at 10? I have some stuff I need to do."
"Sure.
One minute later.
"So, you will wake me up at 10?"
"Uh-huh. I said I would."
5.4.3.2.1....
"Okay. Wake me up at 10."
You're probably wondering what in the world lovers (and lesbians) have to do with Guitar Hero. Well, you'll be surprised to learn there's a lot more than you think.
It all started back at the end of January. I purchased Guitar Hero as a gift for my girlfriend, who had been raving about her playing experience over the holidays. In fact, she wouldn't shut up about how awesome it was which shocked me because up until that point in life, the girl would rather wash dishes than play a video game. I had to see what this alluring game had to offer, why the masses were talking about how it was hotter than disco at Studio 54 and why my anti-video-game girlfriend seemed to have fallen into a Guitar Hero trance.
Needless to say, we had it up and running the same day I brought that little bundle of joy home, and like Johnny Depp in Fear and Loathing, I. was. addicted.
Here's what brings me to my correlation between lovers (and lesbians) and Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero IS
4. Time of Day - The time of day that Guitar Hero is played is indicative of the time that love-making will most likely occur. Is she a morning player? Does she prefer some afternoon delight, or is she the typical 'in-the-evenings-but-only-on-the-weekends-and-never-on-the-weekdays-because-she's-
too-tired-from-work' type? If her playing habits are completely and utterly sporadic, yet consistent and often, than you are going to be one lucky lady, getting those incredible love-making sessions often and around the clock!
5. Finger Work - Guitar Hero is a game of fast-movin' finger work and hand-eye coordination. This is the most important factor of all for scrutinizing her love-making abilities. Do her fingers stumble carelessly like a drunk guy dialing his ex-girlfriend? Does she look like an arthritic with carpal tunnel or do her phalanges grace the guitar buttons with a deliciously seductive ease? Finger work success in the game means you are one sexually satisfied video game enthusiast.
Now that I have taken you through all the important factors on why Guitar Hero is for lovers, I don't expect you to take this information with a grain of salt. In fact, the statistical analysis on Guitar Hero and love-making presented to you in this article has been proven to be almost 95.4% effective (with a standard deviation of 69). So I encourage all of you lesbians to give your lover the ultimate test! Get Guitar Hero and find out how good (or bad) your lover really is.
I can tell you from personal experience that ever since we got the game, our love-making has increased exponentially. I can only imagine what will happen when she beats the game. ;)
To see the infamously hot girlfriend of Lesberitasecond to best, you can watch the video here (I would show you what she does best