Lesbiatopia

Up until about 5 minutes ago the County Clerks office in Los Angeles had marriage licenses available for couples with a Bride and a Groom. Their office has officially changed the licenses to include same-sex couples by changing the wording to say Party A and Party B. At 5:01pm same-sex couples across the state will begin to flood the website to apply for a marriage license to wed here in the State of California. This is a historic event!! Congratulations to all of the couples participating in a marriage ceremony soon - your time to apply for an application is almost here!!! HUGGGGSSSSS!!! Sincerely, ~JuliePhineas~

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There is a mass wedding for same-sex couples being held at 7pm on Tuesday June 17 at the Gay and Lesbian Center in Long Beach, which is close to my neighborhood here in Southern California.

With two children, a teenage sister, two cats and a dog named Buddy living with us, the plotting and planning of our lesbian wedding is getting complicated. We've had to discuss and decide on many important things as a couple and as a family in the past few weeks such as, should we get married at a mass wedding? Do we add homophobes we're related to on our guest list? Do we even want to get married under these circumstances, knowing we might have to tell our children our status was taken away in November?? Let me tell you friends, it has been an 'emotional rollercoaster' these past few weeks. Dealing with the different aspects of the plotting and planning of my lesbian wedding have left me physically tired yet even more determined than ever to marry Gina because she is the love of my life and the one woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. At this point, after all the drama, Gina and I have decided to keep it simple.

After we found out that we had rights, we were extremely excited and we told the family and friends that were closest to us and had shown us support all these years.

What was very surprising was the reaction happened to be a very mixed reaction, rather than a united front of congratulations. I felt like some of our very dearest family and friends still viewed us as ‘second class citizens'. We were very hurt and I’ve done a lot of crying lately. Writing the guest list became an emotional event, and it really scaled back the plans that we had. Our first thought was to of course go all out and have a big wedding. Finances combined with the need to marry by November crossed that off the list and the next option was a small ceremony with about 100 guests, possibly in a banquet room at the local Marriott, with cake and champagne afterwards, plus apple cider for the kiddos. Our guest list has about 100 people that are just close family, so we had to cut out a lot of other people from the list at that point. We decided we would take a nice photo on our big day and send out announcements to the people that we couldn’t invite.

Then another reality set in - our families are not going to help us with the cost… we’re on our own here!

When I think about it, I just spent a ton of money defending myself in family court where I got totally financially screwed because I am gay (there’s no other way to put it!); and I’ve also spent a ton of money to secure my children’s future plus change my last name because those things don’t come with a domestic partnership. Plus I have to go back and appeal the family court ruling, file a complaint against the judge, and request transcripts too… it gets very expensive! Looking at our final guest list, we realized we were inviting people who we know don’t support our relationship just because they are closely related. It really made me feel like I was about to put my household in a financial bind to make sure that every body else, including those who don't support our relationship, would have a nice time on our big day. Sorry friends, but I just can’t bring myself to do that!

This was a nice change for us because we were able to let go of a lot of the stress of planning a big wedding in such a short amount of time.

We decided we would keep things small and just do a civil ceremony at the County Clerks office. I looked into the website for the Los Angeles County Clerks office , and found that we can apply for our marriage license online after 5pm here on June 16, and then we can pick it up as early as 8am on June17th. We can schedule an appointment for our ceremony at the time that we pick up our marriage license, and we are hoping that we will be able to get married the same day. The County Clerks office in Norwalk is where we will be going to pick up the license since there is no appointment needed, and they will be performing same sex wedding ceremonies that day until 8pm on a first come, first serve basis (article). Each of the County Clerks offices in California is handling the event differently, for example the clerks office in Bakersfield which is opting simply to not marry anybody anymore, gay or straight (article). The County Clerks office in Nevada City is planning to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples starting 8am on June 17th (article), while the county clerks office in San Francisco has pulled some strings to start doing so at 5:01pm on June 16th. They are asking couples to BYOB – bring your own bell – wedding bell that is! You can read more about that here. Plus here is an article with “Reader questions and answers on gay marriage“ by the LA Times, and an article titled “What Do I Need To Know About Getting Married In California?” on the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center website here .

In the meantime, Gina and I are getting ready to put on some white and head down to the Clerks office on Tuesday.

We’ve started an online wedding registry here which donates to the Equality for All Campaign. Any couple can register online here. We’re getting ready mentally to handle our big day and become Mrs. and Mrs. Phineas, even though we’ve lived as though we are married for about 5 years now. Some of our friends and family have been asking us what we plan to do, and there have been a few opportunities to have our ceremony on TV. In the midst of everything we are trying to stay connected and focused on our family and home life. After all of the details are worked out, the bottom line is that we love each other, and we want to protect our wishes in regards to our relationship and family with the marriage rights that we deserve.



Both Gina and I have come a long way from wanting the big flashy wedding in front of everybody, to simply cherishing a hugely symbolic moment in time that is shared only between me and her.

We are getting the wedding jitters but we are committed to each other and our life together so any talks of prenuptial agreements, divorces, and even bucking the establishment by not getting married were met with laughter and a kiss. After an initial shock of the reality of it all, and going through the pre-wedding planning in such a short amount of time, we are still committed to spending the rest of our lives together. Since there is no big wedding to worry about, we are just spending these few days preparing our minds, scheduling the babysitter, and deciding how we’re going to do our hair. Let the naysayers say what they will, but we are moving forward with our love and our life together, and Tuesday we hope to take the final step towards equal rights for our relationship together. I’ll definitely keep you posted, when I post part three of My Lesbian Wedding… Our Big Day!

Until then, thank you for all of the congratulations that I have received and for the well wishes on our big day!

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Okay ladies, here I find myself on the Friday night before the Los Angeles Gay Pride Festival, and I am wondering what all the lesbians are doing tonight! Most of my friends are out partying it up this weekend, but I am home tonight getting ready for a night out tomorrow. I love to get dressed up and go out dancing after dinner and some drinks. My wife knows all the good spots and usually chooses where we go, and over the years I have developed my favorites.



Since I live in Southern California, there are a few gay clubs and lesbian bars in my area, and the closest spot to me that I like is The Executive Suite in Long Beach (website). This is a longtime favorite spot for a Saturday night, and for the LGBT community to get together and party before and after the Long Beach Gay Pride Festival.

I also like Club Ripples which has two different dance floors and a karaoke area for those that are interested in showing their vocal talents(website). I prefer Friday nights at Club Ripples which is referred to as Debra's @ The Beach. Check out Debra's MySpace page here for pics.

If we just want to have a drink and play some pool, then we head on over to Club Broadway (link). We used to like to go to Hamburger Mary's in Long Beach because it was right next to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles which is always good at 2am when you've had a bit to drink. There is a Hamburger Mary's in West Hollywood (link) that you could check out, which offers more entertainment and food choices.

Also out in Los Angeles and Hollywood area is The Palms Bar which has a nice size dance floor and friendly bartenders (website). The Palms is also located right near a secure parking garage which is good. We have fun at Girl Bar and have also been over to Circus Disco, but they do play a lot of club music and I am more of a hip hop fan.

My favorite spot is on Tuesdays and whenever my wife and I can get away on a Tuesday this is a guilty pleasure of ours. Michelle's XXX, also known as Peanuts, is a sexy spot for lesbians to dance, drink, and watch Michelle's girls put on a great show. If you've never been to Michelle's XXX, you really don't know what you're missing. All I can say is that the ladies at Michelle's XXX leave visions in your mind you will cherish forever. *wink* Michelle's XXX also hosts the LA Gay Pride After Party so be sure to check out their website if you are heading out to that this weekend. You can also find Michelle's XXX on MySpace here. Michelle's XXX does offer Club Sexy on Saturdays every so often, so be sure to add yourself to their mailing list if that is something are interested in.

If you are out here in Los Angeles and you do see me out and about with my wife at the club, be sure to stop me and say hi and buy me a drink!!! hahaha I'm excited to go out this weekend and get my party on, and I hope that the rest of the ladies here in So Cal who are partying for pride are having a blast and staying safe. Always designate a driver ladies, and be sure to buckle up! Thanks for reading and Much Love! ~Julie Phineas~

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Today is the 3rd Annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day and throughout the day you will find blogs across the internet posting in support of LGBT Families. Each blog who posts in support of Blogging for LGBT Families Day is listed on the list of contributing posts in an effort to raise awareness for LGBT families and the blogs who support them. This event is brought to you by The Mombian Blog which offers “Sustenance for Lesbian Moms” and is sponsored by The Family Equality Council .

Posts are being added all day long, and so far there are some pretty interesting posts to check out. Here is a list of my favorites so far:

Beyond (Straight and Gay) Marriage: Laws for LGBT Families with Children - link

Alabama Blue Dot: Family by Fate and by Choice - link

BlogHer - Denise: Blogging for LGBT Families Day: Just like you, except for the hate thing - link

Cheryl’s Mewsings: Introducing COLAGE - link

Damn Straight: Not really an issue … until it is an issue - link

Parenting Beyond the Pale: Coming Out’ at Costco - link

3 Garzas & La Gringa: Family Day …Every Day - link

If you would like to participate in the 3rd Annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day to help to raise awareness and show support for LGBT Families, simply post an entry on your blog and send the link to lgbtfamilies@mombian.com. Also be sure to visit the list of contributing posts for more blogs like this one who support the rights of families in the LGBT community. There are some great blogs showing support this year so you'll find some new favorites to add to your feeds and bookmarks. A special thanks to Mombian and The Family Equality Council for putting this web event together, and for helping to raise awareness for LGBT families around the world!

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Four years ago, I was sitting in a hospital room with my mother, who was about 10 years into her battle with diabetes.

The day is vivid and the moment is forever burned into my life – George W. Bush was re-elected. (article) This is a very emotional subject for me because when that happened a deep truth hit me hard… there would be no chance in hell for gay marriage rights for the next four years. I had been holding it together for my mom, keeping a brave face; but the moment the news flashed the story I broke down and cried… it still makes me cry for such a grave injustice to have happened. Now flash forward four years, and my mother has been back in the hospital since January. (Please send prayers!) I happened to be sitting with her overnight on May 14th and I had the TV on with her when the news flashed a story that brought me to my knees; A vote was to occur the next day over whether to overturn the ban on gay marriage in California or not! As luck would have it, CNN reported that The California Supreme Court overturned the ban on gay marriage and now gay and lesbian couples have the right to marry in the state of California!! Tears of joy began to flow on May 15th, 2008 and they haven’t stopped since!



My mother is still in the hospital, and there are many other situations in my life right now that have been causing distress and pain; but now... now we have something beautiful to hold onto.

Since that day, many of my friends have sent congratulations and well wishes once they heard the news. Some of the gay friends I have are getting nervous about their partner expecting a wedding, too. Isn’t that funny? I have read stories of gay couples who have been together for decades who have been waiting to marry each other. They are finally planning their weddings! It just makes me so happy and full of joy that so many people are finally able to have the wedding experience with the love of their life. I am telling you that I always cry at weddings; and now that gay marriage is legal in California I have had so many joyful crying spells I am starting to get embarrassed about it. There is definitely a wedding buzz around here as we prepare for the ruling to take effect so that we can file for a marriage license which is currently projected to be June 17, 2008. Gina and I have had to get it in gear and really think about our ‘lesbian wedding’. It’s hilarious the things we get to go through that we didn’t before such as debating issues like pre-nuptial agreements and seating charts. *LOL We wonder if we will run into the press at the county clerks office and if there will be a shortage on wedding dresses when we go to buy ours. *LOL It’s also interesting to notice that the gay friendly businesses are coming out of the woodwork and the LGBT community has more of a guidepost of which places we are able to plan our weddings with pride.

Even big names like Macy's are showing support for the LGBT community by encouraging gay and lesbian couples to use their bridal registry for their big day.

Online gay jeweler, Love and Pride Jewelry, is now offering a 10% discount on all bridal rings in celebration of marriage equality in California, and Cherished Weddings Vows Chapel in Torrance, CA has set themselves up online with a series of blogs catering to the increased demand for weddings in California. You can stay up to date on the latest in LA Weddings at one of their new blogs, The L.A. Wedding Resource . Of course there have always been websites online that cater to gay marriages and lesbian weddings such as Alt Wed and The Rainbow Wedding Network , even Two Brides.com and Two Grooms.com. As Gina and I continue to think out and plan our big day, we have come across items such as gay and lesbian cake toppers at this site , lesbian friendly wedding invitations at OutVite.com , and LGBT wedding favors at the GayWeddings.com online store.




Any way you look at it, marriage equality in California is a boost to the US economy.

Whichever route we take to our big day, it will be painted with pink money! Weighing our wedding options we are looking at a pretty penny to walk down the aisle together, and we aren’t even planning a big wedding! We have to consider my wedding dress, and what is Gina going to wear? She really doesn’t do dresses. There is the wedding cake, and the wedding favors, the invitations and thank you cards; plus we have to consider a honeymoon and what about bachelorette parties?? There will be the flowers, the marriage license, and all the other little things that will surely add up. Since May 15th, Gina and I have been working more overtime than ever to pay for the event!!

Because of a November ballot initiative to ban gay marriage in California it looks like it will be a summer wedding.

There is a certain pressure to get married quickly in case we never get this chance again. As the NY Times reports here, the ruling in California has fueled the same-sex marriage battle rather than ending it. Amidst the joy and excitement, there is still the dread of the possibility that our right to marry can be taken away in November. It’s sad to think that we could go through all the same motions that a straight couple does for their wedding, but we could end up with exactly zero change in status or recognition, plus zero stability and security for our children from the government in the form of social security, taxes, and more. According to the NY Times article:

“California has more than 100,000 households headed by gay couples, about a quarter with children, according to 2000 census data.”

I have tried to be very vocal with my friends and family so they know how important their vote is this November. All Californians should come out to the polls and vote this November and have their vote heard in this historic time. What everyone can do right now to voice our vote is to sign the Million for Marriage petition from The Human Rights Campaign. The anti-gay initiatives are backed by funding that pro-gay initiatives have not been privy too, and they have gathered over a million signatures for their initiative. We need to surpass this amount and demand that marriage equality in California be here to stay, which will help other marriage equality initiatives in the future. For now, please take some time to visit the Million for Marriage website and sign the petition to let your voice be heard!



Whichever way things go in November, Gina and I are going to proceed with our lesbian wedding, and we will keep you posted through it all.

The next step is going to be plotting and planning our lesbian wedding, our big day, the honeymoon, and then ‘waiting for November’. Right now we are living in limbo and waiting for June 17th so that we can make an appointment to get our marriage license. Then from there we can set a date and go from there. There is still a possibility that the anti-gay initiatives will stop the licenses from being issued before then, so we won’t terminate our Domestic Partnership (article). As you might guess, I have been surfing online and finding out everything I need to know to make the process go as smooth as possible. FYI, here is where you can get information on obtaining a marriage license in Los Angeles County. I have also created a section on my Lesbian Mommy blog with Lesbian Wedding Resources. For those couples who are planning their own gay or lesbian wedding, there is a list of books from Amazon with information on planning your gay marriage and more below:



The next few months are going to be interesting to say the least, and I am looking forward to a beautiful wedding day and a relaxing honeymoon!

The guest list is longer than we thought it would be, and finding a reception area with one month notice is asking for a miracle… but, after the California Supreme Court ruling on May 15th, I know that miracles can happen.

Stay tuned for part two, the Plotting and Planning of My Lesbian Wedding.

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There is a website with tools that are helping lesbian moms and their children to raise awareness of families like ours. Buddy G: My Two Moms and Me is a cartoon especially for gay families with a website to match found at www.BuddyG.tv. I was able to watch a clip of the first episode of the Buddy G cartoon on the website, and I have to say I was excited to see another cartoon where families like mine are represented. I was even more excited when I found that the Buddy G TV website also offers printable cartoon pages, online jigsaw puzzles, and related videos for LGBT families. I printed out a few of the coloring pages right away, and slipped them into the pile of pages during coloring time, then put them on the fridge for the world to see. Since then, many visitors to my home have commented on the Buddy G coloring pages, and how cool they are. I feel like they walk away with a little more of a sense of how normal gay families really are.



When I ventured in to learn a bit more about Buddy G and how I could get the DVD, I found that Buddy G has received a lot of press and media attention, while promoting other two-mommy media such as the DVD Dottie’s Magic Pockets. I fell in like with Buddy G right away and he is now a friend of mine on MySpace. *smile* I learned from Donna, Margaux and Grayson, the family behind Buddy G, that one little girl carries the DVD in her backpack to prove to other kids that “there are lots of families like hers - they even have a cartoon!” This is awesome to know, because children of lesbian moms are being validated as equally as special as all the other children in the world since they are represented in a cartoon. The Buddy G DVD and website is great for showing children of lesbian moms that they are not the only children in the world with two moms, and helps to reinforce a positive view of LGBT families. Plus sharing the coloring pages with my nieces and nephews shows them that their Aunties aren’t the only ones with a two mommy family.



Here is what the Buddy G website says about how the show came to be:

We know we are a minority and that most kids have a mom and a dad, but for little guys like our son we thought wouldn’t it be grand if there were something more available to them. Something like a cartoon, like a Caillou with two moms or dads. The more we talked about it the more important it became. It was almost like, if we didn’t do something about it after we had this fantastic idea, then we were somehow being irresponsible parents. So out of that, “Buddy G” was born. It took longer, cost more and was way harder then we thought it would be, but we couldn’t be happier or more proud of the cartoon and the potential it represents. “Buddy G” has added incredible joy to our family and we hope he adds a little happiness to yours.

Sincerely,

Margaux, Donna and Grayson

I feel a sense of relief that there are people out there like Donna, Margaux and Grayson who are brave enough to fill the void in the LGBT community for two-mommy media, and provide tools to help lesbian moms and their children to raise awareness for LGBT families in a fun and positive way. It’s also good to know that the Buddy G website is expanding in the near future to provide even more Buddy G fun and games for the kids. If you are a lesbian mom, there are also fun things for you at the Buddy G website too! You can find videos and more for LGBT parents here. In the meantime, you can order the DVD below plus you can add Buddy G as your friend on MySpace here.



I am really looking forward to the expansion of the Buddy G TV website, and for other two mommy media products to provide awareness tools for their products such as coloring pages and online games for the children. Even something as simple as seeing a two mommy family on paper helps make the world more aware of how normal an LGBT family really is. Thanks Buddy G!.

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Today I went through a very painful situation.

The relationship with my father has always been tense to say the least. Well, my father let it be known today that somehow he had been living with the idea that Gina and I were just roommates - even after I came out publicly before we filed for partnership four years ago. The kicker is that his position is that being gay is a choice, and that I chose to be gay and he doesn’t accept that. Basically he feels embarrassment at the thought of telling his friends that his daughter is a lesbian.



I think he has this picture in his mind of lesbian life being the equivalent of an adult movie.

I can understand how he might think that because of the portrayal of gays and lesbians in the media. Yet I don’t know what to do with that information, because regardless of the media I am his daughter. I feel like that simple fact should make him willing to try to see things in a different light – especially if I am living a decent life and handling my responsibilities.

I feel like he doesn’t care about how I feel, only about how he feels.

I feel like he wants me to be ashamed of who I am, when I know that I should really feel pride about being a strong gay woman in today’s society. He says being gay is a choice, I say so what – if it is or isn’t, it doesn’t matter to me – he should love me regardless. If I chose to be gay or didn’t choose to be gay – I am still gay… and he should still have love for me.

If he can’t feel good about me as a person, how can I feel good about him as a father?

I am trying not to judge, I am trying to remain impartial and stay neutral – understand his position and why he feels the way he does. Sad thing is that I do understand, I just don’t agree… so I agree to disagree but… it still hurts. And, I don’t judge him because that it is not in my jurisdiction. But honestly, I want to hug him and let him know that it’s okay… it’s okay to have a gay daughter.

And that I love him anyway.

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(An Editorial by Lesbiatopia Managing Editor Paula the Surf Mom)

There is no doubt that the Clintons are very political animals, ones, which have made a lot noises about being friends to the LGBT community.

But recently Melissa Etheridge said to Hilary Clinton.

We were thrown under the bus. We were pushed aside. All those great promises that were made to us were broken. And I understand politics. I understand how hard things are, to bring about change. But it is many years later now, and what are you going to do to be different than that?…. A year from now, are we going to be left behind like we were before?'

I think MS Etheridge had a very valid point and asked Mrs Clinton a very good question for LGBT voters to ponder.



Two of the most hated pieces of legislation to most people in the LGBT community are The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT)… Both of which were implemented under the Administration of President Bill Clinton.

DOMA, officially known as Public Law No. 104-199, 110 Stat. 2419, which in essence says no state (or other political subdivision within the United States) need recognize a marriage between persons of the same sex, even if the marriage was concluded or recognized in another state and the Federal Government may not recognize same-sex or polygamous marriages for any purpose, even if concluded or recognized by one of the states.

DADT, officially known as Public Law 103-160 is the common term for the U.S. military policy that prohibits anyone who "demonstrates a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts" from serving in the armed forces of the United States. This policy requires gay or bisexual men and women serving in the military to hide their sexual orientation. President Clinton signed this one after he had promised to allow all citizens regardless of sexual orientation to serve openly in the military while campaigning for the Presidency.

In 1996 when DOMA was becoming law, then first lady Hilary Clinton expressed her support for that law. In an interview last month on MTVU, former President Clinton said,

Hilary’s position is that she doesn't support it and if she had the votes to repeal it she would repeal it.”

But even now Hilary Clinton said that while she favors civil unions, she does not favor same-sex marriage, justifying her opposition to gay marriage as a “States Rights” issue, the same argument used to defend of slavery in the 1850’s and same the argument that was used to defend segregation in the 1960’s. In the same MTVU interview Mr. Clinton said,

that Hillary and I at the time defended their right to do that, marriage has always been a matter of state law and religious practice.”

As for DADT Hilary Clinton says,

Don't ask don't tell was an important first step, But talking about this as though there is a reality out there that a president or a Congress can change with the snap with a finger does a grave disservice to the American people. We have a political process. There are checks and balances, the Congress was adamantly opposed at the time to letting gays and lesbians serve openly. "Don't ask, don't tell" was the compromised policy.”

In the MTVU interview Mr. Clinton said,

It would have been a better policy if it had been implemented the way General Powell and I agreed to implement it…..” and then he added, “ Down in the ranks what happened was that the law was never, the rule was never enforced as it was announced once General Powell retired.”

In 1948 when President Harry Turman decided to end the segregation of blacks in the military, he confronted intense congressional opposition, but checks and balances didn't inhibit him. He asserted his constitutional power as commander-in-chief and integrated the military with an executive order and when his then Army Chief of Staff, the very popular General Omar N. Bradley declared the next day after he did it:

The Army will not put men of different races in the same companies."

Truman called Bradley to ask him how much he liked his job. After that there was never again a question of racial integration in the military… It made for a tough re-election campaign for Truman in 1948, but he stuck by his guns and because he did, it was the US Military establishment that ended up leading the way on Civil Right for Blacks, whether they wanted to or not.

In his Huffington Post Blog, Former Senator Mike Gravel said of gay rights,

In order to achieve them, we are going to need leaders like we had during the civil rights movement -- brave leaders who are willing to ignore the polls, overcome their personal hang-ups and fight for equal rights all Americans in all states.”

Looking at the Clintons past record I have to really wonder if Hilary Clinton will be that kind of person or will it be just more of the same; the Clintons using our gay vote to get elected then cutting deals over our rights when they meet any form of opposition?

The Clintons past sins speak volumes about their future actions I think.





I wish to thank Lesbiatopia Staff Writers Julie Phineas and Beebo Brinker for their assistance in the preparation of this editorial

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For most of my life, I was fairly able to avoid the topic of religion and any life decisions that came along with it.

Lately however, I’ve come face to face with some hard decisions to make in the department of religion because of my children. When it comes to life’s mysteries, it can be hard to know what to believe yourself, let alone what to teach your children to believe. As a lesbian mom, I’ve also come face to face with the choices that other people have made for themselves with their own religious beliefs and how they feel about homosexuality. In my journeys through my religious options, I’ve been on the receiving end of harsh judgment and total acceptance; bearing witness to the opposite extremes of emotions that religious people can have towards me once they discover I am a lesbian. Navigating the choices I have had to make about religion as a lesbian mom has been an interesting experience, and I felt like it was important to share what I’ve gone through with you.



My family baptized me as a Catholic when I was a baby. Then they converted when I was about twelve and I was ‘re-born’ as a Christian.

I remember at some point also going to other types of churches, and my mother even trying out her hand as a Jehovah’s Witness. As an adult, I was very confused about my own religious beliefs and whether I believed in God, and I lived a life of questioning what I was raised to believe in even though I didn’t really know what I believed in. I felt like religion was supposed to provide me with some sort of answer to life’s big questions and mysteries, yet all I was filled with was more unanswered questions. At some point I just decided that I didn’t know if I believed in a God or if I didn’t, and that was that.

When I had my first child in 2000, I realized that I would have to come to some sort of decision about what I believed in because now I was also responsible for the life of another human being.

The issue of religion came up right away because my family wanted the baby to be baptized in a church even though I didn’t want to commit to any one religion. I managed to avoid the issue by hiring a non-denominational minister to perform a ‘dedication ceremony’ in an outdoor setting. This was dedicating my son’s life to the “greater good” so I felt that I was satisfying the part of me that wanted some sort of belief in a Higher Power and also the part that didn’t believe. I was still questioning, and managed to keep things that way… for a little while.

I had a tough time after my son was born – I had another baby right before my marriage totally fell apart, and then came out as a lesbian right after.

Having been to the Catholic and Christian Sunday schools and bible studies, it was ingrained in me that divorce was a big no-no and so was being a lesbian. I went through a lot of emotional turmoil, self doubt, self hatred, and questioning of life during that period of time. I am so blessed that I had my two children and Gina during that time because they were really what kept me going through it all. I really had to come to terms with the choices that I had made and reconcile them with the religious beliefs I had been taught. I went in search of answers and I took the time to find them. Now I don’t consider myself to be religious, I say that I am ‘spiritual’, but honestly I still haven’t taken the time to baptize or dedicate my youngest child as of yet. She is going to be 6 in July. Now, I have taken so long to make a choice about what religious beliefs to instill as a lesbian mom, that this child is about ready to tell me what religion to choose herself! *LOL

Our oldest is 7 and the youngest is 5, and I think I’ve avoided the issue of religion as much as I can.

They can both read now, and understand adult conversations. They notice things, and remember stuff, and have questions about everything. Just like me, they want to know. It’s hard to know what to say when a child asks you what happens when we die, or who is Jesus. My son has practiced meditation because he saw it on a cartoon, and knows what a Buddhist monk looks like when he sees one because of a family movie we watched once. Another family movie, called Fluke, is about a dog who remembers a past life as a husband and father. That movie inspired a ton of questions from the kids and made me realize that I really needed to decide what I was going to teach my kids to believe.

If you are a member of the LGBT community (with children or not) this issue is one that is going to come up at one point or another in your life.

Many religions are anti-gay and discourage homosexuality, considering homosexuals to be what Hindu society refers to as pariah or outcasts. There are some Christian denominations and other religions that are accepting of members of the LGBT community. If you are a lesbian, bi-sexual, trans-sexual or gay man, you are really going to have to do your homework if you are looking for an accepting place of worship in your area. You are going to want to determine if you are going to have any problems with discrimination first before you show up. (Read this article about a lesbian couple from the United States who was denied communion at their local parish after they were married in Canada.) Over the past few years Gina and I have had baptisms, weddings, and funerals to attend in different types churches and at a funeral for my father’s aunt, a man who seemed to be the guy in charge literally put his hand up and stopped us asking me “Is that your sister?” I said “No, this is my wife.” This guy had to think for a minute before he stepped aside and said “Okay you can go in.” I couldn’t believe it. One church I attended without Gina asked me if I had a husband and told me that the next time I went I had to take my husband… yikes!!

You can research different religions online before you go, and determine which places of worship that you endorse and which you want to avoid.

When you attend, be wary of the materials they provide such as brochures and prayer books. You’ll also want to listen to the songs that the choir sings and determine if the message being delivered is one that you endorse. We took our children to a Methodist church this past Thursday for a re-enactment of The Last Supper, since Easter is coming up. The kids are old enough to read the words in the song books now and it was sooo cute to see them read and sing about love and kindness! I would have been upset if the kids were ever subjected to the discrimination that Gina and I have. Instead, my heart was beaming with gratefulness to see the kids participate in activities like symbolic washing of the hands of the person sitting next to you, plus the sharing of bread and punch. They had a ton of questions that night for sure!

In any case here is what Wikipedia says about religion and homosexuality:

Though the relationship between homosexuality and religion can vary greatly across time and place, within and between different religions and sects, and regarding different forms of homosexuality and bisexuality, current authoritative bodies and doctrines of the world's largest religions generally view homosexuality negatively. This can range from quietly discouraging homosexual activity, to explicitly forbidding same-sex sexual practices among adherents and actively opposing social acceptance of homosexuality. Some teach that homosexual orientation itself is sinful, while others assert that only the sexual act is a sin. Some claim that homosexuality can be overcome through religious faith and practice. On the other hand, voices exist within each of these religions that view homosexuality more positively, and liberal religious denominations may even bless same-sex marriages. Some view same-sex love and sexuality as sacred, and a mythology of same-sex love can be found around the world.

Here is a list of books from Amazon on the subject of LGBT Religion and Spirituality:

- Reclaiming The Spirit: Gay Men and Lesbians Come to Terms with Religion here

- Coming Out Within: Stages of Spiritual Awakening for Lesbians and Gay Men here

- From Wounded Hearts: Faith Stories Of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, And Transgender People And Those Who Love Them here

- Equal Rites: Lesbian and Gay Worship, Ceremonies, and Celebrations here

- Lesbian Rabbis: The First Generation here

- Qu(e)erying Evangelism: Growing a Community From the Outside In here

- Face to Face: Gay And Lesbian Clergy on Holiness And Life Together here

- Are There Closets in Heaven?; A Catholic Father and Lesbian Daughter Share their Story here

- Waiting for the Call: From Preacher's Daughter to Lesbian Mom here


What I have found is that the main religious denominations where you can find total gay acceptance are:

Metropolitan Community Church
Unitarian Universalist Church
United Church of Christ
United Church of Canada
Paganism
Neopagan
Wiccan


Some congregations of the following denominations are accepting of the LGBT community:

Christian Reformed Church
Church of the Nazarene
Presbyterian
Anglican
Lutheran
Reformed Judaism
New Apostolic
Religious Society of Friends (Quaker)
The Unification Church


And here are some denominations which do not endorse homosexuality yet do support the human rights of the gay community:

Buddhism
Taoism
Confucianism
The United Methodist Church

There are also many spiritual centers emerging as places of worship as well with a focus on gay worshippers.

Once you've decided which belief system works for you, I suggest reaching out to others of the same faith for support and fellowship.

Meetup.com is a great place to meet others of the same faith. There are so many religions to choose from in society that I couldn’t possibly cover them all here in this article. I encourage you to do your homework and follow your heart!

Here are some websites where you can find out more about religion for lesbians and others in the LGBT community:

- Article: Lesbian caught between religion and outside world here

- Article: Religion and Homosexuality here

- Article: Lesbian Faith without Fear here

- Faith in America here

- OUT Faith here

- The Gay Religion Blog here

- Gay Church.org here

- A Lesbians Faith.com here

- Interfaith Advocates LGBT here

- Lesbian and Gay Studies in Religion here

- Lesbian Life Religion and Spirituality here

- Religion on Gay City USA here

- Gay and Lesbian Mormons here

- GLBT Catholics here

- LGBT Episcopalians here

- Gay and Lesbian Atheists and Humanists here

- LGBT Jewish Organizations here

- Gay and Lesbian Quakers here

- The Gay and Lesbian Vaishnava Association here

- More Light Presbyterians here

- Lutherans Concerned here


The road to religious choices is definitely an interesting one.

I hope that I was able to give you a good jumpstart with the resources I’ve collected above. Finding a place of worship where you feel accepted is the ultimate goal, and I wish you the best on that journey. Feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts and insights on navigating religion as a lesbian if you can.

I really want to say thank you for reading this post and for those who are celebrating Easter this weekend I am sending Happy Easter wishes your way!

Until next post stay well and be safe.

Sincerely,

~Julie Phineas~

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Today my wife and I got stuck in an elevator... and it did NOT end like the Bette and Tina elevator scene on The L Word! (though I really really wish it did HAHAHA.) I just panicked and cried! LOL Do you think you and your lady would be down to mess around in the elevator if it broke down like Bette and Tina; or would you just panick and cry in a corner like I did? These are the things that make a lesbian go hmmmmm...

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If you have children you might find yourself becoming more of a pro in the area of multimedia. Do you ever stop and think about the ideas you are endorsing?

Children today are constantly exposed to various ideas through the media, and I myself have had to activate my ‘watchful eye’. It’s hard to keep an eye on every single thing that your child ever lays their eyes on! Honestly, it’s just not possible, but really mothers have to tackle this issue from the moment their child enters their life. Every single thing – and I mean everything – that your child is exposed to needs to be questioned, evaluated, and decided upon.


What they eat, what they wear, what they see, what people say, the list goes on and on. The bottom line here is that the choices you make for your child affect their perception of the world and how they are going to interact with it in the future. If you have children you probably have had this realization hit home at one point or another. What I want to focus on here today is the choices that parents have to make in regards to multimedia. Parents seriously have to ask themselves what perceptions are being reinforced in the media that their kids are exposed to. What it comes down to here is that when we buy a product or service, we are also buying into an idea.

For example, let’s talk about the Disney Princesses. These fictional women were put into the spotlight without any regards to the fact that they would become role models to millions of girls who would one day grow up to be women. One of the underlying messages of the stories involving the Disney Princesses is that in order for a girl to “live happily ever after” she has to marry the prince and become a princess. (You can read more about this in the New York Times article What’s Wrong With Cinderella?.) Disney is going to debut their first African American princess in 2009, and it will be interesting to see what the story line is there. Maybe one day they’ll evolve to where the Disney Princess lineup includes a Lesbian Princess!

I try to stay aware of the underlying messages that my children are exposed to through the many different forms of media that are available today.

There are songs on the radio, programs on TV, movies in the theaters, websites online, magazines and books in print, etc. Anything that has an image imprinted should definitely be evaluated, whether it’s an image in a book, a picture on a magazine cover, or a graphic on a t-shirt. Also, any book or song that uses hateful or racist words should be avoided. More than that however, anything produced with the intent of spreading ignorant or derogatory messages should be boycotted. I don’t purchase video games with guns and violence, or magazines with suggestive pictures or racy words on the cover. Any magazines, etc. that my wife and I might have with mature images or suggest