Lesbiatopia

The pain I feel today is nothing new. I’ve always been subjected to it, always knew it was there. It’s not the pain of losing a loved one, or a physical pain.

It’s the pain of acceptance. Accepting your mother may not love you.

Don’t think it’s because I’m lesbian that she doesn’t love me. No, it actually started way before that. Probably when I was a child, but I can’t pinpoint anything specific. At least, not until I became an adult. For some strange reason, my mother gossips.She doesn’t care who she hurts, doesn’t care what she says. She just does.She’s been doing it so long, that she probably doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it.

The gossiping I could probably stand, it’s just the pretending that grinds my gears. I mean, why do you pretend to like me, invite me and my lover over, only to turn around and talk about me, my lover, my ‘lifestyle’ (for lack of a better word) with disdain to of all people, my children? Why do you speak badly of me to my children and not think they are going to tell me? She even talks about me to friends, other family members, etc.

I don’t know when this all started or why. I just know that my mother has a unique talent for alienating people from her life. She will behave one way in your presence, and do the exact opposite when she is away from you. My partner thought it was because we are lesbian, but I had to enlighten her; no, dear this has been going on all my adult life. Being a lesbian doesn't have a thing to do with it.

My mother is so bad with her hurtful words that she used to say bad things about me to my son. My son is now deceased due to an illness. But it used to tear him apart to hear his grandmother spread lies and say terrible things about his mother. His blood pressure would shoot up and he would be ill the next couple of days trying to defend my honor.

I am 47 years old now, and have accomplished more in my lifetime than almost anyone in my family. I’m not saying I am the most successful person, but I am certainly a leader. Being one of the eldest grandchildren, many of my cousins look up to me. They respect my knowledge and the type of woman I am, the type of person I’ve become. And they don’t treat me any different, accepting that I am still the same person as I was before I came out.

Yet, my mother is the source of emotional pain. Pain that I am determined to keep from my daily life.

You see, my partner and I are happy. We’re happy when we’re broke, happy when we have money, happy just damn happy. We are blessed, believe in the Lord, worship him and have our health. Most of all we have loving, fun, positive friends who are more than supportive of us.

Sometimes I just don’t get it. Its not like I’ve been on America’s Most Wanted, or I have been a slut or a whore, never. Always the good girl, the kid everyone wished they had. Except my mother.

I just had to get this off my chest. I don’t know who else has these kinds of problems.I pray daily for peace, and the Lord is good about giving it to us. My partner and I have our love, and it is a true love. Maybe my mother is jealous of that.

Even when I was married to my kids’ father, she had something to contribute. My ex-husband was physically and emotionally abusive. He used to beat me for breakfast, lunch and dinner.Yet I had no one to turn to. When I tried to turn to my mother for help, she was supportive in the fact that she said she was going to have someone beat my ex-husband to a pulp. But, it seemed after that initial conversation, my mother saw fit to get on the telephone and tell everyone in the family “how dumb” I was and that “she doesn’t know where I got that from, letting a man jump on me.” She even thought she was helping by spreading rumors throughout the family that I was seeing another man. And that each time I left my ex, I was seeing this imaginary lover. Well, my ex heard about it, and I got my ass beat even more. To this day she denies it.

All in all, I forgave her for that, even forgave her for not speaking to me for 7 months while carrying my first child (my son who is now deceased). If it had not of been for my grandmother (her mother) she probably wouldn’t have spoken to me then even though we were living in the same house. Now, my mother proclaims my son was her favorite. I don't doubt it, but you didn't even want me to have him. Go figure.

As a child I was always jealous and a little envious of the relationship my girlfriends had with their moms. Secretly wishing mine was that way too. After awhile I gave up on that dream, it wasn’t going to happen.

Have I ever tried talking to my mother about her behavior and the things she says? Probably close to 100 times. Each time she denies it, gets angry, and the cycle starts all over again. She tries to make me think I am imagining things. To be honest with you, if I were a kid growing up today dealing with this kind of stuff, I’d probably be on the news for a crime against my parent.

However, I chose God.I chose the Holy One because I didn’t have anyone else. No one on this earth could tell me why my mother mistreats me. Its emotional abuse for sure, I know. I didn’t’ choose Abnormal Psychology as a 2nd major just to waste time. No, I knew there were problems, that I didn’t have answers for. Back then I was still trying to find a solution.

But today, is different. I am older now, wiser. And I know that life is not lived without some pain. And that it’s not about the pain but how you deal with it.

One of the first things I did when my mother’s gossip tried to force its way into my life was to reach for my Bible. But before then, I prayed. Got into the shower, used my Grapefruit scented shower gel and washed all the crap down the drain.

Then I came in here to write.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Whenever something hurts me or bothers me, I write. I let it out. My partner of 7 years doesn’t deserve anything from me but my best, because she is more than that to me. My partner is my best friend, my lover, confidante and the person who thinks my corny jokes are the funniest things she’s heard in her life, even though I know they are not always funny.

Yet, it seems to me that my mother is not happy with the choices she has made or continues to make in her life. Maybe she wants everyone to be as unhappy as she is. This story has so much more to tell, but I won’t bore you.I am going to continue to live my life, enjoy my life, being prayerful and hope and pray that my mother changes her ways before it is too late.

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Today is the 3rd Annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day and throughout the day you will find blogs across the internet posting in support of LGBT Families. Each blog who posts in support of Blogging for LGBT Families Day is listed on the list of contributing posts in an effort to raise awareness for LGBT families and the blogs who support them. This event is brought to you by The Mombian Blog which offers “Sustenance for Lesbian Moms” and is sponsored by The Family Equality Council .

Posts are being added all day long, and so far there are some pretty interesting posts to check out. Here is a list of my favorites so far:

Beyond (Straight and Gay) Marriage: Laws for LGBT Families with Children - link

Alabama Blue Dot: Family by Fate and by Choice - link

BlogHer - Denise: Blogging for LGBT Families Day: Just like you, except for the hate thing - link

Cheryl’s Mewsings: Introducing COLAGE - link

Damn Straight: Not really an issue … until it is an issue - link

Parenting Beyond the Pale: Coming Out’ at Costco - link

3 Garzas & La Gringa: Family Day …Every Day - link

If you would like to participate in the 3rd Annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day to help to raise awareness and show support for LGBT Families, simply post an entry on your blog and send the link to lgbtfamilies@mombian.com. Also be sure to visit the list of contributing posts for more blogs like this one who support the rights of families in the LGBT community. There are some great blogs showing support this year so you'll find some new favorites to add to your feeds and bookmarks. A special thanks to Mombian and The Family Equality Council for putting this web event together, and for helping to raise awareness for LGBT families around the world!

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Four years ago, I was sitting in a hospital room with my mother, who was about 10 years into her battle with diabetes.

The day is vivid and the moment is forever burned into my life – George W. Bush was re-elected. (article) This is a very emotional subject for me because when that happened a deep truth hit me hard… there would be no chance in hell for gay marriage rights for the next four years. I had been holding it together for my mom, keeping a brave face; but the moment the news flashed the story I broke down and cried… it still makes me cry for such a grave injustice to have happened. Now flash forward four years, and my mother has been back in the hospital since January. (Please send prayers!) I happened to be sitting with her overnight on May 14th and I had the TV on with her when the news flashed a story that brought me to my knees; A vote was to occur the next day over whether to overturn the ban on gay marriage in California or not! As luck would have it, CNN reported that The California Supreme Court overturned the ban on gay marriage and now gay and lesbian couples have the right to marry in the state of California!! Tears of joy began to flow on May 15th, 2008 and they haven’t stopped since!



My mother is still in the hospital, and there are many other situations in my life right now that have been causing distress and pain; but now... now we have something beautiful to hold onto.

Since that day, many of my friends have sent congratulations and well wishes once they heard the news. Some of the gay friends I have are getting nervous about their partner expecting a wedding, too. Isn’t that funny? I have read stories of gay couples who have been together for decades who have been waiting to marry each other. They are finally planning their weddings! It just makes me so happy and full of joy that so many people are finally able to have the wedding experience with the love of their life. I am telling you that I always cry at weddings; and now that gay marriage is legal in California I have had so many joyful crying spells I am starting to get embarrassed about it. There is definitely a wedding buzz around here as we prepare for the ruling to take effect so that we can file for a marriage license which is currently projected to be June 17, 2008. Gina and I have had to get it in gear and really think about our ‘lesbian wedding’. It’s hilarious the things we get to go through that we didn’t before such as debating issues like pre-nuptial agreements and seating charts. *LOL We wonder if we will run into the press at the county clerks office and if there will be a shortage on wedding dresses when we go to buy ours. *LOL It’s also interesting to notice that the gay friendly businesses are coming out of the woodwork and the LGBT community has more of a guidepost of which places we are able to plan our weddings with pride.

Even big names like Macy's are showing support for the LGBT community by encouraging gay and lesbian couples to use their bridal registry for their big day.

Online gay jeweler, Love and Pride Jewelry, is now offering a 10% discount on all bridal rings in celebration of marriage equality in California, and Cherished Weddings Vows Chapel in Torrance, CA has set themselves up online with a series of blogs catering to the increased demand for weddings in California. You can stay up to date on the latest in LA Weddings at one of their new blogs, The L.A. Wedding Resource . Of course there have always been websites online that cater to gay marriages and lesbian weddings such as Alt Wed and The Rainbow Wedding Network , even Two Brides.com and Two Grooms.com. As Gina and I continue to think out and plan our big day, we have come across items such as gay and lesbian cake toppers at this site , lesbian friendly wedding invitations at OutVite.com , and LGBT wedding favors at the GayWeddings.com online store.




Any way you look at it, marriage equality in California is a boost to the US economy.

Whichever route we take to our big day, it will be painted with pink money! Weighing our wedding options we are looking at a pretty penny to walk down the aisle together, and we aren’t even planning a big wedding! We have to consider my wedding dress, and what is Gina going to wear? She really doesn’t do dresses. There is the wedding cake, and the wedding favors, the invitations and thank you cards; plus we have to consider a honeymoon and what about bachelorette parties?? There will be the flowers, the marriage license, and all the other little things that will surely add up. Since May 15th, Gina and I have been working more overtime than ever to pay for the event!!

Because of a November ballot initiative to ban gay marriage in California it looks like it will be a summer wedding.

There is a certain pressure to get married quickly in case we never get this chance again. As the NY Times reports here, the ruling in California has fueled the same-sex marriage battle rather than ending it. Amidst the joy and excitement, there is still the dread of the possibility that our right to marry can be taken away in November. It’s sad to think that we could go through all the same motions that a straight couple does for their wedding, but we could end up with exactly zero change in status or recognition, plus zero stability and security for our children from the government in the form of social security, taxes, and more. According to the NY Times article:

“California has more than 100,000 households headed by gay couples, about a quarter with children, according to 2000 census data.”

I have tried to be very vocal with my friends and family so they know how important their vote is this November. All Californians should come out to the polls and vote this November and have their vote heard in this historic time. What everyone can do right now to voice our vote is to sign the Million for Marriage petition from The Human Rights Campaign. The anti-gay initiatives are backed by funding that pro-gay initiatives have not been privy too, and they have gathered over a million signatures for their initiative. We need to surpass this amount and demand that marriage equality in California be here to stay, which will help other marriage equality initiatives in the future. For now, please take some time to visit the Million for Marriage website and sign the petition to let your voice be heard!



Whichever way things go in November, Gina and I are going to proceed with our lesbian wedding, and we will keep you posted through it all.

The next step is going to be plotting and planning our lesbian wedding, our big day, the honeymoon, and then ‘waiting for November’. Right now we are living in limbo and waiting for June 17th so that we can make an appointment to get our marriage license. Then from there we can set a date and go from there. There is still a possibility that the anti-gay initiatives will stop the licenses from being issued before then, so we won’t terminate our Domestic Partnership (article). As you might guess, I have been surfing online and finding out everything I need to know to make the process go as smooth as possible. FYI, here is where you can get information on obtaining a marriage license in Los Angeles County. I have also created a section on my Lesbian Mommy blog with Lesbian Wedding Resources. For those couples who are planning their own gay or lesbian wedding, there is a list of books from Amazon with information on planning your gay marriage and more below:



The next few months are going to be interesting to say the least, and I am looking forward to a beautiful wedding day and a relaxing honeymoon!

The guest list is longer than we thought it would be, and finding a reception area with one month notice is asking for a miracle… but, after the California Supreme Court ruling on May 15th, I know that miracles can happen.

Stay tuned for part two, the Plotting and Planning of My Lesbian Wedding.

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Ok here is another one for my Please, just give me a break category….

The “Honorable” Samuel B. (Sam) Graves, the 3 term Republican Congressman for the 6th district of Missouri is running for re-election against Kay Barnes, the former Mayor of Kansas City and Democrat, who is looking to unseat this Republican incumbent in the up-coming election in November.

Congressman Graves is facing a tough challenge… He has had problems raising money and Ms. Barnes has a pretty good support base in Kansas City… As mayor, Barnes has received credit for her work in improving Downtown Kansas City and working for beginning the revitalization of the urban core….

So Ol’ Sam Graves, a farmer from Tarkio, Missouri decided to appeal to the baser emotions of some of his constituents with an ad that attacks Ms Barnes for her “San Francisco” values….

Ok again I ask can you, just give me a break here?

Not only is this ad the most obvious attempt at gay baiting backwoods constitutes since Grand Wizard David Duke did it in Louisiana, Congressman Graves ad is also one of the most irresponsible political ads I have ever seen,and that is saying a lot as I reside in North Carolina, a state where politics regularly become a blood sport. This ad could have some very unintended consequences in inspiring some of the Congressman's supporters into thinking it is acceptable and even admirable to not only deny the LGBT community its basic rights, but to go as far as to commit hate crimes and violence against gays.

Congressman Graves is trying his best to paint gays in a hateful light to the voters of his district, accentuating every difference he can to play on their homophobia and his only thought in doing it is his re-election.

Congressman Graves I want to tell you I am a lesbian mother, with a 10 plus year relationship with my lesbian partner. We own two successful businesses that we we pay a lot of taxes on and would love to see some help in this department. We don’t think anyone should hump in the streets and while we do think a woman has a right to choose, personally we don’t believe in abortion. We think this nation needs a strong defense and believe that nothing like 9-11 should ever happen here again. We would probably make pretty good Republicans if not for that parties continued support of a platform on anti-gay issues.

But Congressman Graves I want to show you what is the most important issue to my big ol’ gay family…


These are our daughters, the children of a gay couple. They don't have horns and they don't know hate, but you may notice that they are happy, healthy, well cared for and most importantly if you look at their eyes you will see that they get a lot of love. These are the real "San Francisco" values of our family.

What Congressman Grave should be talking about is not the difference in my families composition, as it is what it is and always will be, but instead just what is he going to do to make life better for my children and for all children in this country. Congressman Grave is an educated man, he should know telling the voters of his district to fear and hate nearly 10 percent of the population in this country is not an admirable endeavor, but I can see from his ads that he probably just does not give a shit so long as he is re-elected.

Congressman Sam Graves… here’s your sheet, your are doing a wonderful job there of furthering the cause of hate and bigotry, your local Grand Wizard should be proud.

I hope you get your ass beat in a landslide.

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A new book that is aimed at both professionals and parents of dealing with transgender children will be release next month.

Called The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals, it is written by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper. This book addresses such issues as what will happen when your son insists on wearing a dress to school; What do you do when your toddler daughter’s first sentence is that she’s a boy; How can you explain your child to neighbors and family; How can you best raise your gender-variant or transgender child with love and compassion, even if you barely understand the issues ahead. Offering an extensive understanding of gender-variant and transgender youth, The Transgender Child answers these questions and more.



Providing extensive research and interviews as well as years of experience working in the field, authors Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper explore what is currently known and understood about gender. They describe the process that many families go through after learning that a child is transgender or gender variant and lay out strategies for parents to move from crisis to acceptance. Brill and Pepper cover developmental stages of the transgender child from birth to college, transition decisions, appropriate disclosure, and the educational, medical, and legal issues that parents and therapists need to know.

Peggy O’Mara, Editor and Publisher of Mothering Magazine said of The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals…

The Transgender Child is a groundbreaking book. It is a sophisticated and sympathetic look at a world unknown to many of us. Families with transgender children often suffer because of society’s prejudices. This book opens a door and shines a light on members of society who deserve the compassion and understanding of us all.”

STEPHANIE BRILL is the founder of Gender Spectrum Education and Training, which provides education, resources and training to create a more gender-sensitive and supportive environment for all children. She founded and runs the Children’s Hospital Oakland Support Group for parents of gender-variant and transgender children and teens. She also co-produces a national conference, Gender Spectrum Family (genderspectrumfamily.org), for families with gender-variant and transgender children. Brill wrote The Queer Parents Primer (New Harbinger Press) and co-authored The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth (Alyson).

RACHEL PEPPER is the Coordinator of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Studies at Yale University. An award-winning journalist and an editor at Curve Magazine, she is the author of The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians (Cleis Press) and co-author of The Gay and Lesbian Guide to College Life (Princeton Review).

The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals will be available from Amazon. Com and from Cleis Press

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There is a website with tools that are helping lesbian moms and their children to raise awareness of families like ours. Buddy G: My Two Moms and Me is a cartoon especially for gay families with a website to match found at www.BuddyG.tv. I was able to watch a clip of the first episode of the Buddy G cartoon on the website, and I have to say I was excited to see another cartoon where families like mine are represented. I was even more excited when I found that the Buddy G TV website also offers printable cartoon pages, online jigsaw puzzles, and related videos for LGBT families. I printed out a few of the coloring pages right away, and slipped them into the pile of pages during coloring time, then put them on the fridge for the world to see. Since then, many visitors to my home have commented on the Buddy G coloring pages, and how cool they are. I feel like they walk away with a little more of a sense of how normal gay families really are.



When I ventured in to learn a bit more about Buddy G and how I could get the DVD, I found that Buddy G has received a lot of press and media attention, while promoting other two-mommy media such as the DVD Dottie’s Magic Pockets. I fell in like with Buddy G right away and he is now a friend of mine on MySpace. *smile* I learned from Donna, Margaux and Grayson, the family behind Buddy G, that one little girl carries the DVD in her backpack to prove to other kids that “there are lots of families like hers - they even have a cartoon!” This is awesome to know, because children of lesbian moms are being validated as equally as special as all the other children in the world since they are represented in a cartoon. The Buddy G DVD and website is great for showing children of lesbian moms that they are not the only children in the world with two moms, and helps to reinforce a positive view of LGBT families. Plus sharing the coloring pages with my nieces and nephews shows them that their Aunties aren’t the only ones with a two mommy family.



Here is what the Buddy G website says about how the show came to be:

We know we are a minority and that most kids have a mom and a dad, but for little guys like our son we thought wouldn’t it be grand if there were something more available to them. Something like a cartoon, like a Caillou with two moms or dads. The more we talked about it the more important it became. It was almost like, if we didn’t do something about it after we had this fantastic idea, then we were somehow being irresponsible parents. So out of that, “Buddy G” was born. It took longer, cost more and was way harder then we thought it would be, but we couldn’t be happier or more proud of the cartoon and the potential it represents. “Buddy G” has added incredible joy to our family and we hope he adds a little happiness to yours.

Sincerely,

Margaux, Donna and Grayson

I feel a sense of relief that there are people out there like Donna, Margaux and Grayson who are brave enough to fill the void in the LGBT community for two-mommy media, and provide tools to help lesbian moms and their children to raise awareness for LGBT families in a fun and positive way. It’s also good to know that the Buddy G website is expanding in the near future to provide even more Buddy G fun and games for the kids. If you are a lesbian mom, there are also fun things for you at the Buddy G website too! You can find videos and more for LGBT parents here. In the meantime, you can order the DVD below plus you can add Buddy G as your friend on MySpace here.



I am really looking forward to the expansion of the Buddy G TV website, and for other two mommy media products to provide awareness tools for their products such as coloring pages and online games for the children. Even something as simple as seeing a two mommy family on paper helps make the world more aware of how normal an LGBT family really is. Thanks Buddy G!.

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