Christine's Answers From The Big Book of Queer Girl Rules
Todays letter comes from a married 50 year old mother of three who finds she is attracted to other women and is in a dilemma about what to do....Dear Christine,
I'm 50 and just coming out- my husband was the first person I told.
We've been married 20 yrs and have 3 kids together, ages 20, 17 and 13. I have not told them yet. My husband told me he has always wondered if I might be gay and in fact has tried to gently bring the subject up many times in the past years, but I would always adamantly deny any interest in women.
But lately, things seem different and I think as my kids are getting older and I have more time for myself, I am realizing that something big has been missing in my life.
I have had one relationship with a woman before I met my husband and I've never had the same emotional or physical intensity with him as I did with her.
I have found myself fantasizing more about women and feel like I've let my guard down around being really turned on physically when I see a woman I'm attracted to.
My dilemma is that my husband is a wonderful man, a great father and I can't imagine leaving him alone to pursue this lifestyle even though he is encouraging me to do whatever I need to to be fulfilled.
Help!
Very Troubled.
Dear Very Troubled,
I'm glad to hear that you are willing to be honest with yourself and your partner about what would make you more whole in your lifetime. It sounds like you have a wonderful environment in which to explore this new part of yourself. It sounds like you've been blessed through out the years with a beautiful family to share in and support and it sounds like it's absolutely time for you to create space to be this part of your sexual and emotional self.
The fact that you are concerned about stepping away from your role as a wife and mother is not surprising. It's a significant change in any woman's life as inevitably her children grow up and gradually separate themselves. It's a shock as well when after many years together, married partners shift and grow as individuals, eventually needing to look outside the relationship to continue their own individual paths. These occurrences are not limited to a person coming out later in life. If we all payed more attention, we would all find adjustments, large and small, that ask to be made in order to evolve individually.
In this case, the stakes seem high as exploring this path essentially means ending your marriage. However, what is exciting is that you have everything to gain by committing to this path. As you pointed out, the emotional and physical connection you experienced with one woman was greater that which you've shared with your husband over twenty years. It sounds like you have a supporting and loving friend in the man your married to and it's time for you to let him be just that. Learning to redefine your roles to each other as such will open up room in your life to find the earth shattering, consciousness shifting, heart stopping romance that you have been waiting for all this time.
Perhaps it would be helpful during this transition process to be talking to a therapist in order to have a safe space to express the fears and anxieties that will naturally come up. Contact your communities local gay and lesbian center for referrals to LGBT friendly mental health practitioners.
It is a challenging thing, to make room for yourself to be alone in the world long enough to find what you really need. But when one acts to honor themselves, it can only be met with blessings!
Today letter comes from a Sister who in a relationship with a married woman, wondering if it is not just time to break it off.....
Dear BOOK,
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 years now and it is very serious. When we first met we were just friends and shared a few sexual encounters because she was and is still married. Her marriage is convenient because he is very good about taking care of the household and she can live very comfortable because he makes very good money. They tried on numerous occasions to be exclusively married but have gone astray on both parts. She has never stopped seeing me and he has had his side pieces. Moving forward she and I have spoken about living together, getting married all the good things associated with a committed relationship. We have tried to break up and let her deal with her marriage but can't for some reason. It is not the sex, if that is what you think because we don't have it that much. (We both have small children). It is an emotional and mental connection that has created this mess of a love triangle. A lot of the problems in her marriage may be because the husband may have some sort of depression which causes him to be more of a tyrant than a husband. The problem now is he is on medication for his depression and he is like a different person. I feel as though I am losing her to him because he is the complete opposite of what he used to be and she finds that very appealing now. How can I truly compete with him? I know she loves me but ideally she will probably stay with him. Should I just break it off completely before I lose my mind from jealousy?
Thanks,
Lady in Waiting
Dear Lady in Waiting,
You are calling a married woman your "girlfriend"? I understand that you've been involved for a long time but at no point ever can a married woman fulfill the responsibilities of being another persons girlfriend. Being someone's girlfriend means being honest and available beyond one's own convenience. It means being a support system and a cheerleader. It means sharing in each other's joys and each other's sorrows. If this woman is married to a man with whom she has a family, there is no chance she has the time, energy, or emotional capacity to be these things to you. You are not being treated like a girlfriend. You are getting the short end of the stick here.
Yes, you should absolutely break it off completely. Right now. Forever-ever. After three years, you have every indication that she will never choose your relationship over the comfort of her marriage. Right now, she's getting everything she needs. She's got a docile husband hopped up on zombie meds to take care of her financially and she's got you to run to for all the emotional support and coddling she needs. Not to mention, she's getting laid more than both you or her husband. Basically, she's never gonna call this off, it's too sweet a deal for her. But she's never gonna do right by you.
YOU have to make the hard decision here. Again, she's making you do the work. Do yourself the favor this time and go find yourself someone who wants to be a real partner to you. I know it sucks to end it with someone you love. But sitting through that pain to make room for someone who loves you back the right way is going to pay off big.
The book is closed! Read More......
It has recently come to my attention that many hot and sexy lesbian ladies remain single and without prospects.I'm not sure exactly how this happens, since I am a serial-dater, but I have so many friends and acquaintances that seem so amazing, yet are still in search of love.
Some even have a check list...
Shaggy-Shane hair do? Check!
Nice Car? Check!
Good Job? Check!
Great personality? Check!
Still no late night bootie calls.
No afternoon delights or breakfast lovin'.
In order to form a more perfect union, I have compiled a list of things that might help in the quest for love. Don't be afraid to try one or all of them.
How to Find Her
I don't know about you guys, but I'm not interested in finding my baby mama in a bar.Try something unconventional like a strap-on workshop at the local sex shop.
A LGBT wine group or book club might be a few more avenues to meet local ladies.
Any one who is afraid to find love online is living in the dark ages.
Try www.okaycupid.com its free and I've known a few people who have had some great success with this site.
Now What?
Once you've found a girl that you think might be a potential date, ASK HER OUT.
The first date typically is your one chance to impress her so something OUT of the ordinary.
The following are first date No-Nos.
Catching a Movie
This is terrible and instead of sitting quietly in the dark you should be getting to know each other.
Family/Friends
As nice as it would be to have the support around, involving your people in a first date scenario is not sexy. Plus, imagine the pressure for your date to not only impress you, but you're people all on the first meeting.
She's allergic to peanuts and you took her to the Skippy Factory
Don't be afraid to ask her what kind of food she likes/dislikes and if she's been meaning to do something special like the latest art gallery showing or heading out to a new bar/restaurant.
Try http://www.yelp.com/ for good first date suggestions in your local area.
My strongest suggestion for a first dates is something interactive.
Think Color Me Mine or miniature golf. Museums and concerts are always great choices too.
For the ladies on a budget, pack a picnic and some board games and head to a quiet park or beach setting.
When To Call Her Again
Who ever decided to wait 3 days before calling someone was an idiot.
This technique is a game and if you're going to start playing games after the first date then you have other reasons as to why you're not getting laid. If you like a girl, you should tell her.
9 times out of 10 she will be flattered and it will increase your chances for the 2nd date.
Don't Over Do It
While it's important to be attentive and thoughtful, don't pick up your date in a U-Haul.Avoid the X conversation (don't mention your lousy relationships unless she asks) and keep your dreams of your wedding being featured on LOGO to yourself.
A hint of mystery is always sexy, but don't be completely aloof either. Remember, balance is key, my. If all goes well on the first date; Shampoo, Rinse and Repeat.
Creativity and thoughtfulness goes along way ladies. Don't forget that.
If you find a great girl, tell her about it and treat her like it every chance you get.
Oh yeah and if you end up finding a great catch, you can thank me by making her call you Annie the next time you shag.
First of all, a word to my fellow single peeps: dating is hella expensive! First, there's the gas prices, as I'm sure you all know. One date can take up half a tank! Add to that the price of parking, and eating, and whatever else we end up doing.... $$! And we're going dutch! I can't imagine what I would do if I was paying for everything. So yeah, in case some of you ladies were thinking about following in my footsteps - I hope you have a huge budget.
Other than that, though, it's been pretty fun. I went to a new exhibit at a local museum, I ate at a restaurant I'd never heard of, and I even rode public transportation for the first time ever! I met some cool chicks, and had a good time, but as I figured, my stomach remains unfluttered and my spine non-tingly.
Here's my dilemma: how do you relay the message to a lovely lady that although the evening was fun, you don't really care to repeat it? I mean, if the feeling is mutual, it's not a big deal. But Date #2, she really likes me. I could tell by the way she was looking at me that she really wanted to kiss me at the end of the night. But I'm not really one to kiss for kissing's sake; I need to really be attracted to the person to enjoy kissing them. So I stepped back and told her I had a really good time. Lame, I know, but what was I supposed to do? The next day she texted me and told me she wanted to go out again. I kind of brushed it off, but I'm not sure how to tell her that I'm just not attracted to her. I don't want to lead her on when I know it just won't happen. But it's really hard to be blunt sometimes.
Maybe I should be more upfront about my intentions - less secretive about my mission. But I'm afraid that if I tell them I'm dating to learn about dating, that they won't be up for it. Hmmm... any thoughts?
-L.
Hi everyone. As an anonymous reader of Lesbiatopia, I've noticed that many posts seem to address the issue of lesbian dating. It's something that no one understands, but everyone wishes they could define it. It's something we're all going to do, but it sure would be easier if everyone knew exactly what it is we're doing. I'm not here to answer the questions or solve the problem. I have been very unsuccessful at lesbian dating myself. But I'm on a mission to figure it out, and I thought you all might want to join me on this journey.
I'm going to be a lesbian secret agent. I'm going to enter the big scary world of lesbian dating to figure out what works and what doesn't. Ultimately, I want to find out if there's anyone out there for me. It's hard for me to find women that I'm attracted to. My friends say that I'm too picky. My mom thinks it's because deep down, I'm actually straight. But I think it's because I know what I really like. I know what turns me on, I know what kind of spark and chemistry that I want to find. I know what qualities my ideal partner will have, and I know how it will feel when I find someone who fits.
With help from some of my good friends, we have come up with the Lesbian Mission Impossible. I will go on 100 dates with 100 different women. I won't be too picky, because then I'd never get it done. But I'll go out on a date with any woman who asks me. And I will ask many of them out myself. Along the way, I'll try to figure out what it is that constitutes a lesbian date in the minds of the women I meet, and hopefully, I can come to some sort of conclusion in the end.
Although secretly, what I would really love is to find her. The woman of my dreams. I'm a hopeless romantic, and I believe in happily ever after. I believe that I can find one person who fits me and we can make it work for the rest of our lives. I have only been attracted a handful of people in my entire life, so I don't think there are very many out there with much potential. But if I try 100, surely there will be one or two, right?
Wish me luck - hopefully my mission won't be completely impossible. Feel free to offer your suggestions, and check back often for updates as I chronicle my adventures!
-L.
On the Role of Lesbian Girl [space] Friends
There's a phrase I've heard over and over in the lesbian community, that seems to be the underlying reason for everything we do: "We're lesbians. It's complicated." Whether it be moving in together, sleeping with our exes, or the rampant gossip among our circles of friends, we lesbians seem to be rife with drama. There are times when I embrace this as merely a side-effect of massive amounts of estrogen, but lately I've been thinking that sometimes the drama overpowers common sense and reason.
Here's the thing that I think we forget: NOT EVERY WOMAN IS A POTENTIAL DATE. Read that line again.
As women, we are relational creatures, and need friends in our lives. Unfortunately, both our best friends and our most passionate lovers look very much the same. Unlike our heterosexual counterparts, who find friends and lovers in opposite genders, we must decipher from body language and chemistry and feelings and attraction whether a woman we meet could be a partner or a pal.
I believe that many lesbian women fall into the trap of allowing the first option to be the default. They see everyone woman as a possibility, and if it doesn't work, well, then we could be friends. This is faulty logic. It can lead to damaged friendships (or potential friendships) and heartache when we try to have relationships that we've failed to evaluate. If they had waited a little longer, gone out a few more times, they would have realized that it wasn't going to work. But now someone's broken someone's heart, it will be awkward for a while when everyone hangs out. Purely hypothetical situation, of course.
I propose an alternative. I believe that the best model is to view every woman we meet as a potential friend. This way, we will take the time to get to know her and evaluate how she best fits in our lives. Also, we wouldn't have to deal with petty jealousies - we could have friendships with women we meet, even if they have girlfriends! I also think that it will open more people to friendships, because there wouldn't be that awkward she likes me, but I don't like her... does she think this is a date or are we just friends? Granted, that's also due to lack of communication in the lesbian dating process. But that's an article for another time.
The best result of this approach is that the relationship which due flourish will be that much stronger because they originated as friendships. I heard a quote a long time ago that I've used often but never properly attributed (because I don't know who originally said it), but it's become one of my favorites: "Love is friendship on fire." The best foundation for a lasting relationship is friendship. Passion waxes and wanes, but the stability of the trust, respect, and love of a friendship will keep us strong through the hard times.
It can be hard to change our mentalities, especially when we're single. I would encourage each of us, though, to pay attention to our reactions when we meet new women. Do you scope them out and immediately rate them as a potential partner? I know I do sometimes. If you're like me, let's start thinking more about the friendships that we can develop with other lesbian women. As we develop a network of friends who truly care about us and love us, we will have a built-in support group that can help us through any storm life (and drama!) may bring us.
The Lesbian Bride Chronicles: How Many Dykes Does It Take to Plan A Wedding?
You know the story. Girl meets girl. Girls kiss outside each others' tents. Girls spend the next day talking under an oak tree. Girls fall in love, move into a tent together and start planning their Canadian wedding.
( I know, you're thinking "Wait a sec, What's this with tents?")
Well, last year I met my beloved, "Luckdragon" at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. It was the safest way to U-Haul. She slept in my tent almost every night, and we got a taste of what it would be like to be together all the time, in the heat and sweat and 'skeeters of a Michigan summer. We held hands as Elvira Kurt regaled us with her humor, we kissed and fondled while Melissa Ferrick belted out "Drive." We cooed as we got our picture taken with Bitch. I worked one night in Sprouts, the toddler "daycare" and Luckdragon said she knew when she saw me changing a diaper that she wanted to have my babies.
Okay, maybe it wasn't quite that dramatic, but we did fall in love at Fest. Unfortunately, Luckdragon lives in Detroit and I am a grad student in Tallahassee. Throughout the week, fellow lesbians cooed over how cute we were, and asked, "So, what happens after Fest?" We'd grimace and answer in unison: "We haven't talked about that yet."
We didn't know what would happen after Fest, but we did realize that if we were going to make a long-distance relationship work, we had to want the same things. The relationship had to be going somewhere.
Yes, it's true. I bought my wedding dress two months after meeting her.
I like to think, though, that we didn't rush into things. Sure we talked about marriage during the first week, but it's been 8 months now, and though the wedding plans are well under way (June 20, 2009!), we still live six states apart. Luck is moving down here in August, and that will be a year together. It will be almost two before we tie the knot. So we stick it out in Florida while I finish my thesis, and then comes the fun part. Applying to PhD programs and moving in May before the June wedding. There aren't too many programs for Creative Writing, and we're pretty particular about where we live.
Did you know that only eight states in the US officially allow second-parent adoption?
You see, we want to have kids in the next four years (Luck is training to be an LD nurse (Labor & Delivery, not Lesbian Drama--I know what you're thinking!) and she'll be 30 by the wedding, and would like to give birth before she's 35.
So amid picking out chair covers and ring pillows, we're also shopping for sperm and investigating the intricacies of adoption codes and current legislation.
Follow along as we navigate my brother's wedding (to which Luck is invited as my "special friend"), the fact that my mother watches The L Word to "see what you lesbians are up to," unfriendly wedding vendors, the Florida marriage amendment on the ballot this November and how hard is it to publish a dyke-themed poem, anyway?
Exciting news!!
Authors Michele O'Mara, LCSW and Ellen Holland,MSW of thelesbiandatingbook.com are writing a book about women dating women and they need YOUR help. They are asking you, our readers, if they have you ever been out with another woman and found yourself wondering the whole time "Is this a date?" Without road map's, lesbians are venturing out, where no woman has gone before (or in some cases where many women have gone before) into this cat-eat-cat world, seeking companionship, searching for soul-mates, longing for love, or at a minimum hoping to find a good time. We have decided to shine a light on lesbian and bisexual women dating, and find out once and for all, what is working and what isn't.
They intend to survey at least 500 lesbian and bisexual women from across the U.S. about lesbian dating between now and April 30, 2008. Can they count you in?
Take the Survey if you're Single
Take the Survey if you're partnered
Interested in learning more? You can also get event information here.
Happy surveying and stay-tuned for updates!
U-Haul Lesbians...don't be a lesbian cliché
I imagine we all know lesbians like this....
There is an old joke that goes.... What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U Haul.
In lesbian pop culture, the term U-Haul refers to relationships that progress especially rapidly, as in example, moving in together after only a short period of time and gets its name from the move yourself trucks and trailers often rented to make these moves.
It has been conjectured by some that lesbians use this as an escape from the emotional upheavals involved with dating and innumerable lesbians friends have told me in the past they have an very real aversion to dating. This behavior is thought to stem from a stunted development of intimate relationships during the teenage years, since many lesbians are normally in the closet at this time. With the freedom of adulthood, many of us find we are drawn into "U-Haul" relationships because of the instant gratification and intimacy they create.
I have to admit, I’ve been in a quite a few of these types of relationships myself back in my baby dyke days. Most of us have at least once I think.
So what's the big deal, you ask?
While the concept of dating can seem overwhelming or scary to many of us, the big deal is that U-Haul relationships don't ever seem to last and are not very satisfying in the long term. Worst yet, the process of ending one can be appallingly painful.
I live in a place (the Outer Banks of North Carolina) that has a awfully small lesbian population. We probably don’t have 300 lesbians living in an area that covers over 800 square miles, making the lesbian dating pool here pretty small. Also I don’t care what the L word says, being a deaf lesbian is not all glamor and art shows, so it really did not help matters at all, that not only was I a lesbian in a very small lesbian dating pool, in addition, no one had a clue what I was saying most of the time. When I found a lesbian that could get around my deafness and my difficulty with speech, I grabbed right on to her and off to the races we went.
Now I am also a surfer girl and surfer girls are not really known for a very mature outlook on many aspects of life and I tended to find other surfer girls or worse yet tourist girls who wanted to be surfer girls, with somewhat similar attitudes, as lovers. Most of the time the ride was intense but short and not very much fun in the end. When we’d break up, our belongings would then be all intertwined, as were our finances. So I’d find myself losing about half my stuff, canceling old bank accounts, opening new ones, and was generally in a mess both emotionally and financially long after the relationship was over. And I can’t even begin to tell you how many really good surfboards I lost this way.Things did not get any better for me till I finally moved off the island for a while, relocating to Wilmington, North Carolina, which I was pleased to find has a very vibrant lesbian population, many of whom, happily for me, were also quite adept in the use of sign language, because as my luck would have it, the University of North Carolina at Wilmington has a well established and popular deaf communication program it offered that seemed to attract a lot of lesbians. So it was in this atmosphere I started to learn how to take things bit slower and to get to know my dates, to see if we were compatible for more then just sex.
But the real change for me came as I started find myself attracted to a more mature and settled type of woman while I was living in Wilmington, probably because I was starting to have a more mature and settled attitude myself. I learned that I could date someone and even have a sexual relationship with her but that I did not have to move her into my house.
Yes dating could still be a stressful endeavor, with all of the insecurities and questions that tend to come with the dating scene and many of the girls I dated did not get my not wanting to “U-Haul” with them, so I had to date around a bit till I finally found someone I could finally call my soul mate for life, but at least I still had all my stuff when they headed down the road and I never lost another favorite surfboard again.
So ladies stop being a lesbian clichés, slow it down take your time, lesbian dating needs to be neither a stress nor a reason to put yourself in a financial or emotional hole... so relax an enjoy your dating time, but leave your U Haul at home.
Did you know that Lesbiatopia has been nominated as one of the best LGBT Blogs for 2007?
That s right, on Tuesday, January 22, the finalists were announced and voting was open to choose the winners. So if you like what you see here, please click the Web Log Awards graphic and give us your vote. And from the all writers and staff here at Lesbiatopia we thank you all for reading.
Let's face it, ever since the days of Sapphos, lesbians have entered relationships at warp speed. The excerpt below is a passage from a poem written by Sapphos herself while living on the Isle of Lesbos at the time of Ancient Greece:
"but come--if ever before
having heard my voice from far away
you listened, and leaving your father's
golden home you came
in your chariot yoked with swift, lovely
sparrows bringing you over the dark earth
thick-feathered wings swirling down
from the sky through mid-air
arriving quickly--you, Blessed One,
with a smile on your unaging face
asking again what have I suffered
and why am I calling again..."
There's the age old running joke Q:"What does a lesbian bring on the second date?" A: "A U-Haul" and for some reason, all lesbians are guilty of going through this at least once in their dating lives. So what's up with lesbians and their tendency to progress in a relationship at lighting speed? Well, I've come up with a few of my own theories that I would like to explore here.*
*Please be advised these theories are for entertainment purposes only. The views expressed in this article may have been written when I was drunk or sleeping. Please do not take them too seriously (or may god have mercy on your lipgloss).
Theory 1 - The low-income theory
This theory targets the younger lesbian population, either collegiate lesbians or recently graduated lesbians who have recently entered the working world. These women usually find themselves in crappy entry-level jobs which pay slightly over the poverty line. It is also known that most women graduate with substantial amounts of student loan debt and find themselves struggling to make ends meet in the real word. If lesbian 1 happens upon a lady caller of interest, it immediately becomes apparant to her that having said lady move in would subsequently reduce ther rent by 50% with the sharing of living costs. This would make paying for their already too-pricey ultra-hip art district studio apartment a lot easier on the wallet. With that said, the lady being courted might be encouraged rather rapidly to pack up her U-Haul and move on in.
Theory 2 - The beloved pet theory
This theory targets lesbian pet owners and the women they date. There are two classes of 
lesbians; the dog lesbians and the cat lesbians. Very rarely will you encounter a lesbian who shares a love for both species, it is almost always one or the other. Often times two women will start dating, one of whom owns a pet (we'll call it "Fluffy" for reasons of consistency). Lesbian 1 is very loyal to Fluffy; she has had him for many years and they are great companions. Then, lesbian 1 meets lesbian 2 and the sparks really fly. The relationship progresses in a great direction and they are spending a lot of time together. Suddenly, lesbian 1 starts to experience pangs of guilt for her neglect towards Fluffy. Fluffy has started to rebel by peeing on the carpets and pooping in the bathtub. Feeling torn between her new lover and her beloved pet, lesbian 1 comes to the conclusion that the only way to keep everyone happy and continue on with her life is to invite lesbian 2 to move in with her, and thus the U-Haul is packed up and off they go.
Theory 3 - The ugly theory
The ugly theory is simple, so I won't waste too much of your time here. It targets lesbians who feel they are ugly and find they have to compensate for their percieved ugliness with a really fantastic personality. This breed of lesbian's fear of rejection and the idea of never finding true love may lead to slight delirium. In these cases, the delirium may cause the lesbian to attach themselves to the first woman that shows a vested interest in them. This can lead to attached-at-the-hip-syndrome and ultimately cause the delirious lesbian to invite their new girlfriend to move in as soon as possible. This false sense of security that comes with the idea that if you live with your girlfriend, than you must be in a stable long-term relationship. Given the reality of how lesbian drama in these circumstances usually plays out, this situation almost always ends up in tragedy for the not-so-happily married couple.
Theory 4 - The first girlfriend theory
This theory is for everyone, whether you dated guys first (unfortunately) or you have only been 
with girls, if you're a lesbian you had to start somewhere and that somewhere was your first girlfriend. Whether you spent just a few short weeks, or many long years together, there is no denying that they were probably some of the most intense moments of your life. You probably stopped calling all your friends, had more sex than you ever imagined possible, and disappeared off the face of the earth (and this is all within the first month). And with all those endorphins flowing, who could resist jumping on the bandwagon and getting your own place together? So the U-Haul pulls up and for a few months, all is happy in paradise, and then reality sets in. The true colors shine and you pack up your U-Haul and flee the nest in search of your next great love. Don't worry though, you'll certainly never forget your first girlfriend, you'll also never make that mistake again.
So here I will conclude this segment on theories of the lesbian U-Haul phenomena. Don't don't go
getting all flustered and feeling like you just can't seem to get it right when it comes to dating. I'll admit, I'm not perfect either (no matter how much I try). In fact, I pulled a U-Haul so badly with my first girlfriend that some might call it an OVERhaul. We were actually roommates before we started dating, so when our relationship began, we were already living together. That should make you feel a little better now.
In conclusion, The next time you're ready to pack up your stuff and run off to a tropical island with your new girlfriend, stop and think about your motives. Is it really because her pet Fluffy is so damn cute? Is it because she makes enough money to cover the cost of living and pay for the groceries? Or is it because you are simply too scared to be alone? Whatever the reason (and I don't care how great the sex is), make sure to re-think everything through 10 times or else you might find yourself stuck with a mortgage and a not-so-cute pet that pees on the carpet and poops in the tub.
Roses are red, violets are blue, please leave your comment, after your reading is thru. Read More......
I was recently speaking with a friend who wanted an idea for a place for a first date. They needed a place with plenty of alone time together, so they could get to know each other. Being the deep, philosophical type of person I am, I asked the most important question, "Well, how much do you want to know?"
And then I winked at her and she said, "Teach me, professor!"
So we took the rotating bookcase to the stairwell, and down into the laboratory. I put on my spectacles and my lab coat, and I summoned her over to the chalkboard.
I drew this:
"What is it?" she asked with a puzzled look,
"A parabola grasshopper, but I was only a B- Calculus student. No! This here drawing represents the A+ I got in FUN! You must take your date...to the amusement park!! See that X at the top? That's the apex of fun on the rollercoaster of LOVE!"
She still looked confused, so I took off my lab coat and glasses and sat down in the leather barca lounger with my pipe and a nip of tobacco.
The amusement park became popular during the 1920's when work provided a living with a fair amount of disposable income. For decades since, folks have been seeking an escape from reality into a world of fantasy and adventure. The things you can learn about a person are endless. Plus, these places are designed for a duo, so it's perfectly intimate. When you go with someone to an amusement park...you find out lots of things about their fears. You might find an adrenaline junkie or a scaredy-cat. There's almost always at least one ride that people won't go on...it is interesting to find out why. I'll ride most anything except rides that spin like this:
What else do you learn? Well, for one, this person may or may not have a strong stomach to eat pizza and funnel cake and ride the "Loop-de-Loop" (or in my case, "The Enterprise" as shown above). And two, how do they work in the crowd? Are they patient in line or grumbling? Here is your chance to get to know someone. A lot can be said in a 2 hour wait. It's hard to struggle for a topic when everywhere you look is entertainment. And three, are they any good at the skill games and will they win you a giant Chester Cheeto?
After her hair gets all windblown, if you still find your date sexy, there is a scene set for chemistry after the sun goes down. There are thrills and romance and all sorts of things to discover under a smattering of brightly-colored flash bulbs and the playful sounds of an old Wurlitzer organ. And if all goes well, she will melt in your mouth like cotton candy as soon as you get home.
I'm not speaking from experience or anything, but it will tell you everything you need to know in an interesting form of extreme dating.
My friend smiled and said, "I hate rollercoasters."
At that point I learned why we never dated. See what I mean?
Lesbian Dating: How to find a girlfriend
Well once again in my capacity as Lesbiatopia’s Sexpert I have received a number of e-mails from our readers; some of it was very nice, some it not so very nice and some just plain perverted, especially that the one from an Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay type in California asking me in some very boorish terms, how a straight man would go about having sex with a lesbian?
Well dude first off you need to work on that vocabulary of yours, because you just aren’t ‘gonna be fuckin, no fuckin dykes bitches’, or anyone else for that matter, if that is the way you speak to them. Diceman, while I do understand that since your career went into to pooper and it may get lonely working the night shift at the parking structure, please just stick with surfing the porn sites, because honey, you don’t have anything to offer that anyone here would be interested in.
Now a lot of the emails I got over the week end seemed to think its cool that I live in long-term relationship with my partner Debbie and are looking for advice on how one goes about a finding a perfect lesbian girlfriend. On that subject I’d have to say… when you find one tell me, because I don’t actually have one of those either
My partner far from a perfect as the one, as she is an engineer; a profession that I believe the first prerequisite for admittance to is have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and are as a whole rather anal-retentive and when paired with a oft times care free, less than organized and tidy surfergirl type such as myself as a partner, can be less than a match made in heaven at time. I've found it can be so very entertaining sometimes to mess with an OCD type and a few of my favorite things to do is to follow behind Debbie, turning on all of the lights she just turned off as part of her little OCD ritual or to unleash a couple of blueberry stained babies on her, then watch in amusement as she screams and runs at light speed to the shower to wash off all of the germs.
However since love is blind, I speculate that I will be keeping her imperfect OCD ass around and she will be keeping mine for a bit longer, since when it really comes down to it, we do dearly love each other and are soul mates; but a perfect lesbian girlfriend? If truth were told I just don’t I know what makes a perfect lesbian girlfriend… I just know what makes mine perfect for me.
It has also been quite a while since I’ve been in the market for a lesbian girlfriend and also while I used to be pretty good at picking up honeys ‘in the day’, I think I might be a bit rusty now. Nevertheless I am, if nothing else, reasonably good at talking out of my butt and I do need something to write about today, so I will presume to try giving you a few surf mom tips for finding a perfect lesbian girlfriend anyhow.
Ok, so one morning you wake up and realize you’re a lesbian and you say to yourself “oh damn, I’m a lesbian, guess I’d better go find a girlfriend”. So now what ya gonna do?
To begin our search for that perfect lesbian girl friend, firstly I believe that when it comes to romance, a lack of knowing what you hold to be important in your future partner leads to your spending valuable time, money, and energy pursuing date after date on someone who you aren’t really all that excited about in the first place, so the initial thing I would do is figure out what you are looking for in that girl friend. Now when you take a good look around, you'll probably find that most of the best lesbian girlfriends have already been taken, leaving some less then perfect ones for you to chose from, so good research can be very important.
I would recommend you get a pen and paper; write down what it is that you want in your romantic life and be honest with yourself. What do you want her to look like? Does she dress sexy? What kind of body do you want her to have? What does she like to do? What type of personality and characteristics are important to you?
There are several types of girls you are going to encounter in your search, but I’ve found that you can usually put them in one of nine categories.
- Ms. Nice Guy… who is cheerful, agreeable, kindly and be a real doormat, but who might also conversely wise up to your shit some day.
- The She-Devil type… who while she will paid attention to you; has also has been known to throw stuff or hack into you’re My-Space account if you piss her off.
- The Whiner… who is constantly bitching about her head, her feet, her cramps… etc etc etc.
- Your basic mother type… who is constantly telling you to change something about yourself and to not give her ‘that look’.
- The Worrywart… who can never be sure of what to do and can never make a decision because she is worried it will be wrong.
- The wild woman… one of my favorites, she is the lets get drunk and fuck on the front lawn type and a lot of fun, at least she is till she drives your jeep into the ocean one night and gets you arrested.
- The stick in the mud or humorless bitch… she is not a lot of fun to hang out with, but all of your friends will feel very sorry for you because you’re dating her.
- The Artistic type or space cadet… she is very entertaining but can be quite unfathomable to you most times.
- And finally, The Perfect Lesbian Girl Friend… who is a funny, witty, uninhibited knock out of a Greek Goddess and who like a Greek Goddess is in all probability just a mythological character.
So I suggest you do your homework and once you have figured out just exactly what you are looking for in your soul mate for life, start formulating a plan to go out and get her.
Ok, let me be serious here now.
There are many ways to meet MS Perfect and the primary thing you should remember is the more places you go to the more girls you'll meet.
You can do this by joining a LGBT group, attending gay/straight alliance organization meetings, by going to your favorite dyke bar or even letting your friends, both gay and straight you’re looking, because you never know if one of them might have a gay sister or friend.
Never limit yourself, recognize the signs and consider the possibilities of meeting MS Perfect everywhere you go. When you go out show off your lesbian pride by wearing a rainbow necklace or bracelet. If gay girls don't know you're a lesbian they are never going to hit on you. If you are out somewhere and you think you are getting indications from some honey that she may be interested in you, go introduce yourself, and talk to her to find out, because you won’t know until you ask. The more outgoing and friendly you are, the more inviting you will be to any potential Ms Perfects, but don't be too forward because if you come on too strong, it's a big turnoff whether she was interested or not. Be confident, not arrogant and aggressive. Once you do meet someone you are interested in try to remember you are selling a product here, you. But don’t be a phony, if a girl isn’t keen on whom you are naturally, it won't work out in the long term even if you do hook up for a short time. Any girl who will love you for just you despite all of your little imperfections is better than any perfection in my book anyway, just ask my partner Debbie about that.
Always remember appearance is very important. Look attractive and be clean, but don't be anal about staying groomed. If you spend all night looking in the mirror fixing your make up and hair you will look vain and self obsessed to any potential Ms Prefects and again, such a turn off.
There is a joke out there that goes like this… What does a lesbian bring to the second date? A U-Haul!
Don’t be a lesbian cliché by being desperate and rush into something that you will be sorry for later and remember nobody likes a stalker. Just relax, be yourself, take your time, don't be on a tear to get just any girlfriend, you are looking for the perfect girl friend and it can be pretty hard to find Ms Perfect if you're dragging around Ms Wrong everywhere you go all of the time. So play the field a bit. If you keep it natural you will find her.
The one thing I’ve discovered, finding a perfect love that will last forever just didn’t happen in a twinkle, it took a bit of work and time on both Debs and my parts, in fact it is still evolving everyday for us, getting better as we go and that I have to say, came from finally finding more then a girlfriend, I found a soul mate and if you do this right, you can too.
This is Paula the Surf Mom saying keep it real, have fun and good luck… I’m out for now.
Lesbians: can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. It's inevitable that when you have two women dating, living together and sharing their pets, you're bound to encounter drama. I have a friend whose three-year relationship has just gone down the drain. It's always sad to see a relationship come to an end; we've all been down that road before and know how heartbreakingly painful it can be. The one thing I notice with lesbian break-ups
is that they are never short and sweet. When lesbians say, "it's over", it's usually done over a 3 - 6 month period dotted with emotional "I love you's" and fanatical "I hate you's". Why is it that gay women have such a hard time ending their relationships? I'm no relationship expert but my guess is that women are too nice to say "I don't love you anymore" but too cruel to have the decency to just walk away.
One thing I've noticed during the demolition of a lesbian relationship (that is not mutually terminated) is that at least one of the women tends to "go a little crazy." Let me elaborate. The mature thing to do would be to accept the fact that you're girlfriend/lover/wife does not share the same feelings as she used to. She wants out and is probably not looking to work on things anymore. She sits you down and "has the talk". As sad and unfortunate as it is, there are a few things that you should NOT do during this period:
- Hacking into your ex's email address/myspace/bank account.
- Putting all of her things on the lawn.
- Threatening to take Fluffy and never letting her see him again.
- Stealing her phone bill and calling all of the unrecognizable numbers to find out who they are.
- Locking the doors to your apt and hiding the key.
- Conspicuously following her around the city, to work, to the coffee shop etc.
- texting/calling at all hours of the night
-Telling people she has Herpes.
- Saying that the whole relationship was a living hell.
Here are a few things you might want to consider instead:
- Calling your therapist (instead of your lawyer)
- Looking back on happy memories
- Thinking of all the fun things you can do now that you're single
- Joining a fun new group where you can make some great new friends
- Trying to reconcile your differences and work on a friendship
- Start dating again
- Move very far away if, after all this, you still feel compelled to become a psycho ex-girlfriend
I know all break-ups can suffer from the same insane behaviors, but no one can drag it out quite like my lesbian sisters (you've done it too, don't deny it!) The bottom line is, if you're going through a breakup, don't do it alone. Seek out friends, family, therapy, a lobotomy (although not recommend), etc. Talk about your feelings, release the hurt and the pain, and try to stay positive. Just because your relationship is ending, doesn't mean your life is over. There are plenty more fish in the sea and just think of all the great things you've learned about yourself in the process. I know what you're thinking, this is all easier said than done.
If you're the dumpee and are still feeling the urge to get a little crazy, watch this incredibly well done video montage set to the song "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. It's from 'The L Word' where Alice goes cuckoo after being dumped by Dana and although Alice is truly a psychotic ex-girlfriend in these clips, I still love her (but if you're feeling a little crazy, hopefully it will make you think twice about doing something stupid).
Have a crazy ex-girlfriend story? We'd love to hear it.