2/22/12

Need Advice, Ask a Queer: First Girlfriend Query

So, I have been dating a woman for about 2 yrs. I am 33 and this is the first woman I have ever dated. She is 40 and she has been out for awhile. Everything has been great right from the start. It felt totally different and more wonderful than anything before. I felt completely drawn to her and still do. We have a connection and chemistry that has always been there. I was not drawn to her b/c of looks at first, it was more just the connection we had and things I felt. Now we are talking about marriage and kids and I can totally see a future w her. We have such a strong, supportive, caring, communicative relationship. Lately though I have been having doubts. I thought it was b/c she was a woman and that was so different for me (and part of it might be) but now I wonder if it’s b/c looks weren’t a priority at first. I mean, I think she is cute and am attracted to her, physically our relationship is awesome. But I have wondered if I am settling b/c she may not be what I would have ideally been attracted to had I been interested in girls before. I have been thinking more and more that maybe I am attracted to girls in general and it wasn't just this one?! So there is a part of me that is curious to explore this world but there is also a part of me that is afraid to lose what I have. I am at a point in my life where I want to settle down, I want a family and my gf does too. Plus, I have heard (and have seen) about so much drama in the lesbian community and craziness etc. So getting into that does not interest me especially if it means giving up something so good to test it out. Also, I wonder if the first time you date a woman, do u usually stay w that one or b/c it’s such a change does it take some time to settle into etc?! Maybe that seems like a dumb question but those are things I have thought about. Any advice or insight would be appreciated!
Dear Questioning,

It sounds like, despite your concerns, you have a wonderful relationship going on.  In my experience, most women don't stay with the first girl they have ever dated but that also tends to be because most women are very young when they meet their first girlfriend. I was young when I met my first girlfriend and was very immature.  I didn't know who I was or what I wanted, so naturally the relationship didn't last because we both still needed to do a lot of growing and exploring.  

I feel like your situation is a little different because you have discovered your sexuality at an older age, and despite having just come out, you are pretty self-assured person and have a strong sense of what you want in life.  In regards to your relationship, you said in your letter, "Everything has been great right from the start. It felt totally different and more wonderful than anything before. I felt completely drawn to her and still do. We have a connection and chemistry that has always been there. I was not drawn to her b/c of looks at first, it was more just the connection we had and things I felt. Now we are talking about marriage and kids and I can totally see a future w her. We have such a strong, supportive, caring, communicative relationship." I can tell you that most people spend years looking for these kind of qualities in a relationship, whether it be gay or straight.  Now, you are having doubts, and that is completely normal.  Your concern is that looks weren't a priority at first. You have to ask yourself, in the grand scheme of life and relationships, how important can looks really be?  You, yourself,  stated that you have a strong connection with this woman.  Beauty is on the inside and it sounds like you have found a beautiful person.  

It is hard to give advice in this situation because on one hand, you have have this wonderfully symbiotic partnership with someone who you adore but on the other hand, you have never dated other women and there is a strong, innate curiosity to explore the newness of that.  You are older so you want to settle down, but you are "new" to the gay community.  Here is my advice to you - doubts in your relationship or not, it is most important to be honest with your partner.  If you haven't considered talking to her about what you are feeling right now, even in your state of confusion, you might want to sit down and have a talk with her.  She is older, mature and has most likely been in a similar state of mind at some point in her life. Talk about where you are in your relationship, and ultimately what you both want.  If you feel like your inability to explore is making you unhappy, than you need to address that.  If you feel that you are truly happy with this woman and just having minor doubts, then let her know as well.  Be positive about it and come at from a loving, respectful place. 

Just remember, whether you are gay or straight, finding a truly wonderful connection/attraction to someone is rare.  Being able to see a future with someone is also rare and sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side.  If you break away to explore other women, you might find yourself ultimately coming up disappointed.  Weigh your options, be open, be honest (to your partner and yourself) and follow your heart.  If you do these things, you can and will find the happiness you want and deserve. 

Best of luck to you in love and life!


Renee
Editor-in-Chief

1 comments:

Lisbet said...

I went through something similar to this and I have only one piece of advice to offer. Don't hurt this girl. She has been waiting for you her whole life. Do what you need to do to get this out of your system. Tell her you need some time or whatever but if you hurt her not only will she never get over it, you won't either. How would you feel if someone said, "You're perfect for me, but you just aren't pretty enough. I need to look for someone better looking." It would cut you to the core. If you love someone you have to accept them. If it's minor things about her maybe you could say "Baby I know you like to wear that hat but you look so sexy in this one instead." or try to get her to go work out with you or whatever. Like Renee said, if it's as good as it sounds, it's exactly what most people dream of. Throwing this girl away could be the biggest mistake you ever make.

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