10/1/08

Lesbian Personal Ads: Providing Hours of Fun & Entertainment

Lately, there's been a lot of talk about dating, specifically internet dating and the art of writing personals ads. When I say "there's been a lot of talk" I mainly mean Lori Hahn, of Hahn at Home who recently held a Personal Ad Writing contest for herself. From my understanding, she will use the winner's personal ad on a real, live dating site (right, Lori?) Speaking of Lori, when I was trying to find images to include in this article, I went to the old stand-by, Google image search, and typed in "internet dating lesbian" and low and behold, there was Lori Hahn's smiling face looking back at me from cyberworld. So Lori, I dubb you the "Queen of Internet Dating" - this article's for you.

To some women, personal ads are a fine art to be perfected, a vehicle of poetic expression and a window to their deep and brooding soul. To others they are an entertaining way to kill time by welcoming strangers from all walks of life to be the winning bidder in an on-going email exchange of desperate flirtations and insatiable curiosity. And yet to others, they are simply a good old-fashioned bout of narcissism disguised by a half-pathetic attempt to meet some else. Your style of personal ad writing constantly changes depending on mood, length of singlehood, availability of free time and the number of single female friends in a 50 mile radius at any given time. Is your ad-writing style one of Humor? Romance? Sex? Sarcasm? Desperation? Indifference? Oh, the methods are endless!


Having been in a relationship for over 3 years now, it’s been quite a while since I’ve written a personal ad. As I think back to my single days, I remember posting an ad or two on Craigslist during my desire to start dating again. As my personality tends to dictate, I opted for humor and sarcasm in my personal ads and was always surprised at the variation of responses I would receive. Some women would respond by returning that sarcasm like an awesomely bad gift from an ugly sweater store. Of course, there were the women who ignored any semblance that my ad ever existed in the first place and simply emailed me with some generic summary of themselves, as if it were unceremoniously copied and pasted from a badly written “how-to-reply-to-personal-ads” website (eHarmony?).

I got to thinking about how sometimes, when bored, I browse the Craigslist personal ads (mainly w4w) due to the sheer hilarity and entertainment they provide. I started to feel guilty for laughing at someone else’s expense; for allowing some badly written personal ad to brighten my day, when, behind those words, is a single and lonely woman just yearning to meet her match. About 5 minutes later, I got over it, and went back to browsing the rest of the personal ads. Some were funny, some were scary, some were sad and some were brazen enough to make Ron Jeremy blush. I wondered if these women were truly what their ads said or if the ad itself was somewhat of a fa├žade to something entirely different. Personal ads are like virtual boxes of chocolates: you never know what you’re going to get.

All this talk about personal ads inspired me to read some; to see if they still as variable as the last time I left off. In doing so, I have graciously (you can thank me later) come up with some of my favorite (in the categories of “best” and “worst”) w4w personal ads on the internet. Enjoy!

Seeking LTR, willing to settle for loving affair - 27
"Me: african-american. affectionate. articulate. aggressive. active. beautiful. butch. bold. caring. compassionate. creative. deep. daring. emotionally available. eccentic. experienced. employed. educated. fair. faithful. fit. funny. friendly. generous. geniune. grateful. gentle. happy. handsome. humble. honest. intelligent. insightful. jovial. kissable. kind. loyal. loving. learned. mature. meditative. mannered. nice. open. old fashioned. opinionated. protective. passionate. patient. quiet. queer. read. reflective. ready. romantic. respectful. seasoned. single. strong. sensuous. sexual. traveled. tough. understanding. vested. warm.
You: Female. Willing. able." – Boston, MA
This date seeker appears to have impeccably high standards.

Seeking Sarah Silverman - 25
“Funny lass who can dress herself within reason and loves her brown, short nearly-pixie haircut is seeking someone with a sense of humor and social ability.

I'm a non-profit vixen who has been single a whopping year in October and ready to move past the rebounds and into phase 2- the quasi-relationship. That's right, I'm looking for an individual who can date me but not need to be my beau immediately.

In short, I'm 5'5" (so not too short), own a dog, know what jeans look good on my body and what t-shirt to wear under my hoodie. Intrepid weekend dancer and dedicated to entertaining street fairs (see Folsom Street, though for fun not fetish necessarily...). I lust for a great pair of Tiger Onitsuka's or Rainbow flip flops- and am always on the lookout for a humorous gal to share my time and space with... perhaps write our own mock youtube videos, perform ridiculous (or stunning) karaoke renditions of our favorite songs and even catch the occasional movie after an almost-trendy restaurant outing.

But really, the truth is, I just got my own studio, and darn it, I want to christen it with someone who might just stick around.” – San Francisco, CA

older for younger - 20
"i am a younger women cant say on here but i am looking for an older women to talk to and maybe more only chat i am looking for an older women from the age of 30-40 pic for pic so let get to know eachother" - St. Louis, MO.
I’m pretty sure they meant to title it “younger for older”, but one can never be too sure.

No Sob Stories Here - 26
"Why can't I find a girlfriend ?" "Where are the real women at?" I'm sick of the sob stories. If you're going online to meet a date, accept that you will get some crazies. But you also find some authentic women who are cute, smart and funny, like me.

First I'm a BBW so if you can't get over that, stop reading now. But if you are woman of substance who likes to play, go out and explore the world with someone who is like minded, then please read on.

Secondly, I'm not uber-fem or even close to that, so if you are looking for a trophy girl, stop reading now. If you are brave enouogh to think out of the box and are looking for a woman who can treat you right then I might be the woman you are looking for.

I am a musician and singer. I make a decent living so I don't need your money. I have great self-esteem so I don't need anyone's codependence. What I do desire is a woman who's educated, articulate, sexy, romantic and who has a sense of who she is and what she wants. You don't have to be rich, or gorgeous, although physical attraction is a must for both of us. I see the world as a wonderful place to be explored and life as an adventure. I am 420 friendly, so if that's an issue we can talk about it. I'm looking to give as much as I get, and I'm just skeptical enough to see through a scam, so if you are a man, bisexual, married or a con, I will be able to see right through you so please don't waste either of our time.

If you've made it this far, it means that you are either intrigued or a glutton for punishment either way, I'd love to hear from you. Thank you for taking the time to read my ad, and I will respond to all to contact me. No picture necessary at first; I'm not looking for nudie pics, I'm looking for a girlfriend. If you want to send a pic that's fine, too. Yes, I am for real.” – New York, NY

I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!! -29
“I REALLY NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO, I AM NOT HERE TO PLAY GAME I AM JUST VERY LONELY BECAUSE I JUST BRAKE UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND AND PUT HER OUT OF MY HOUSE AND SHE WAS MY ONLY FRIEND SO NOW I NEED A FRIEND TO TALK TO” – Washington, DC

I really don’t like my girlfriend - 30
“actually I can't stand her but i can't leave her just yet.

i just needed to get that out.

thanks for listening” – Washington, DC

Date me if you want your ex back – 39
“Seriously- I mean it!
If you want your ex back please don't pay some voo doo miss Cleo psycho- psychic.......
just date me once or twice and I promise you that she will come back to you , begging you to take her back LOL

Sure you two may have had tons of drama- but that's what you want, right? You don't want a nice girl like me, do you ? You say you do, but what you really want is someone who is going to hurt you over and over again, because you think it will change. Isn't that what she has promised you 5 times already?

You think that if you keep doing the same thing and being with the same girl over and over again- she will change. Hasn't it worked already? Umm, maybe?

Sure you 2 may have bed death, she may have told you that you're stupid, verbally abused you or shit for that matter, maybe she smacked you around a bit and cheated on you and she may be a complete drunk or crack head and maybe she's told you that she's straight- but please try to admit it that you're still in love with her before you run online and try to start something new too soon! Do you really want love? You say you do, but for real, is a stable life with a good woman something you want, or do you want drama with the same old person who keeps ripping your heart out?

You may even tell me that I am the best lover you ever had or maybe not but that's still not good enough. You may tell me that you're over her. You may not be able to put a sentence together or know the different between their and there or know that a lot are 2 separate words- and hey maybe you can't spell the word separate...but I am willing to look past all of that because I always go for the heart and soul.

But seriously, you still love the ex that hurt you. I can't love you because I deserve someone who truly will love me back. I am white, feminine but athletic, professional,educated, average height, size 12, and have never cheated on anyone in my life because I believe you treat people the way you would want to be treated. It's just so simple. Sure I am imperfect and a bit neurotic, but that and the jaded sarcasm in this email is just part of my charm. If I can't laugh at myself and my experiences, then I'd be bitter. I figure I have to put on my big girl panties, lol, and not be bitter because that will shorten my life span! :)

If you can relate to what I am saying and you're NOT a man, not a raging drunk or crack/coke head or drug addict, not attached/married/curious/confused, talk to me. 420 was cool back in college but I have a job now that I don't want to lose! LOL

I am posting here because it's free- and why pay match.com to meet women who still love their ex's when I can do it here for free LOL I am not cheap and been known to shower people I love with flowers and godiva and letters and cards- but have been told that I am way too nice.. I don't give up hope though. I really would LOVE to find someone who is "too nice" like myself because then we could trust each other! :)

If you somewhat get my sense of humor, and if you don't have a mullet (ok does that mean I am shallow? LOL), and you love to cuddle, you're more on the femme or athletic side, and you're over your ex- seriously, 100 percent over her, I'd love to have you as a new friend or maybe (hopefully) more.

If you want to date me to get your ex back, at least have teeth, shower every day and lose the mullet, and let me know ahead of time that you still love her...I am not Miss Cleo so I won't charge you 4 bucks a minute, but at least I will know where I stand...

oh and if you're a McCain fan or think that Palin is hot, we probably won't have much in common, even if you are truly over your ex!” - Philadelphia, PA

And I leave you with these rare Craigslist gems:
A woman who's been around the cyber block and back - 10 Years of Internet Dating
A woman who is proposing subcategories for Craigslist W4W - In Order to Make the World a More Beautiful Place
And finally, a very bad (possibly the worst, yet the funniest) guide to personal ad writing - Ten easy steps for that perfect ad

So, what kind of personal ad writer are you? And will you date Lori Hahn?

10 comments:

~Julie Phineas~ said...

All I can say Lori is that you are a brave brave soul for entering the world of personal ads! Some of those ads are tooo funny.

Sinnerviewer said...

My blog post about online persoanl ads was nowhere near this one, but I did find a funny ad:

http://sinnerviewer.blogspot.com/2008/09/personal-ads-sweet-melissa.html

And if I didn't already share a life with my perfect match, I would absolutly date Lori Hahn!

Paula Brooks said...

Yeah I think Lori is a hottie and if I was not already otherwise spoken for would date her in a heartbeat

Hahn at Home said...

Hah! Well, let's just hope that SOMEONE out there NOT involved with someone else does. I'm going to be writing about my latest dating adventures soon - once I actually have time to go on an actual date.

You guys crack me up!

Renee Gannon said...

I can't wait for your latest dating adventures. Do you mind if I live vicariously through you?

Margo Moon said...

The "Date me if you want your ex back" was a nice approach.

Anyway, when Lori and I lived together in the mid-90s, we spent entire afternoons just lazing around the house talking about Lori's former dating adventures. Remember, Lori? And remember that time I said that someday you'd leave me and return to that sordid life? Well, how do you like it? Happy now?

Jess said...

First off - this was hilarious! I was laughing the whole way through it.

Secondly - Lori Hahn is quite a catch, and though it baffles me that she's even out there looking for a mate (I'd assume she would have been scooped up and locked down forever by a superhero chick by now,) I think she'll find her match this time around. The internet is cool that way.

Fortunately I'm lucky enough to be married to the Queen of all superhero chicks and haven't had to write any personal ads. Hope I stay so lucky.

greg said...

This gave me quite a laugh but now I want to go home and hug my girlfriend very, very tightly.

MLC said...

I am really glad I am single and NOPE not lonely...not for any of those personal ads.

YIKES - it is a scary world, Lori I understand!

janet

BOOK_REVIEWER_EXTRAORDINAIRE said...

wow, lol. That was something.

I've been paying for an online dating service for some time now that I hardly use.

Maybe I should get busy with that,then let you'se know how that goes...

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