For those of you that don't know me, this may come as a bit of a shock to you, but it's time I come out of the closet about this. Yes, that's right...I'm a country music fan. Sure, some of you may say, "That's not fashionable!" To that, I say, "Hello, Dolly Parton?!" Okay, maybe that's a bad example of fashion, but I digress. The reason I bring this up is, I have a new obsession. The obsession in question is a song, "Ready, Set, Don't Go" by...get this...Billy Ray Cyrus. Shut up, it's a really good song. But it wasn't that song that caught my eye. It was another song on his 2006 album called "I Want My Mullet Back." That got me thinking about the good ol' days of the mullet. But wait! It doesn't have to be the "good ol' days," because I'm a lesbian, and misguided lesbians everywhere are still sporting them when even Billy Ray has transformed in to this:

Ladies, really, if Billy Ray can get rid of his mullet, why can't us lesbians just let go? Just to help y'all out a little bit, I'm going to do a loving tribute, and hope that it will move you to tears, and you can play some commemorative music and light some candles while you trim your mudflap. Or, you know, realize how ridiculous you look and hightail it to Supercuts.

Since he's inspired this post, let's begin with a rememberance of the Billy Ray, aka The Backwoods Mullet.

Now, please don't get this confused with the Midwest Mullet.

As you can see, the main difference lies in the length of the sides. While the Backwoods Mullet allows for room for a bit of tug on the sides, the Midwest Mullet is very close cropped, often involving "steps" in the sides. For those of you confused as to what "steps" are, observe:

This brings me to a very valid point. HIPSTERS: NO, the mullet is not ironic. What is ironic is that you spend $200 to have a haircut that looks like it was done with a Flowbee in the basement of your brother's frat house sitting at the old dusty ping pong table, right next to the bucket that sits under the leak in the ceiling. Ugly is not the new cute, so stop paying your hairdresser in coke.

NOT ferosh.

Now, for those of you that are a little less adventurous, the mullet has not forgotten about you. For the middle aged lesbian, I present to you...The Softball Mullet:

The color is always mousy. The cut is not overtly mullet, but still mullet in principal. It's the mullet for those who don't want to make the "I HAVE A MULLET" statement. Really, ladies, we've all noticed.

Now, I haven't forgotten about the high femmes. I know you ladies like to slick on a little lipgloss, perhaps some electric blue eyeshadow. Maybe even some coral lipstick if it's a fancy night out. Not to worry, there is a mullet for you. Yup, the Femullet.

Feathers and curls, just like Farrah Fawcett. Every girl's dream.

Look, ladies, it was okay in the 70's. I don't think they made mirrors back then. We were all too coked up in the 80's to know better, and Aquanet was a cheap high. The south and midwest are all a decade behind, so they were able to just skate through in the 90's, but people. It is 2008. There is officially no excuse for mullet abuse.

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Posted by Firecracker! at 1:55 PM